Afotusɛm ntiantia
- Push past bad: bad how, exactly.
- Write the feeling down to sharpen it.
- Pick the small word, not the dramatic one.
Awia dabere bi wɔ hɔ a ɛyɛ bɔne a wuntumi nka deɛ ahaw wo. Biribi nteɛ. Wo bo mu yɛ duru, wo bo afu ntɛm, woasane akenkan email koro no ara mprɛnan. Sɛ adamfo bi bisaa deɛ ɛrekɔ so a, mmuaeɛ a ɛyɛ nokware paa ne sɛ wobɛwoso wo mmati. "Mennim. Mete nka ahodwiriwa kɛkɛ."
Saa kusukuukuu no yɛ ɔhaw bi ankasa. Atenka a wuntumi mmɔ din taa trɛw mu. Ɛsɔn kɔ biribiara mu, sɛdeɛ wokenkan nkrasɛm, sɛdeɛ woka kar, deɛ wususuw sɛ onipa a ɔte pon no agya no susuw wo ho. Ɛnte sɛ atenka bi a wowɔ, na mmom ɛte sɛ ewiem a aka wo mu.
Enti hwɛ adekɔ ketewa bi a ɛyɛ adwuma sen sɛdeɛ ɛsɛ. Gyae na fa asɛmfua baako to so. Ɛnyɛ asɛmfua a ɛyɛ pɛ. Asɛmfua bi kɛkɛ. *Me ho yeraw me. Wapira me. Nokware ni, m'ani abere. Meresu.* Saa nkyerɛaseɛ ketewa no, ɛfiri atenka a ɛnni nhyehyɛeɛ kɔ kasa mu no, ɛsesa deɛ atenka no yɛ wo. Ɛwɔ ayaresa din, atenka din-bɔ (affect labeling), na ɛyɛ nneɛma a wode wo ho to so a ɛkyerɛ atenka ho nyansahu mu no baako.
Deɛ ɛsesa bere a woka no
Ɛte sɛ deɛ ɛnyɛ den koraa sɛ ɛbɛyɛ adwuma. Sɛ woka sɛ "me bo afu" sen sɛ wobɛ bo afu kɛkɛ? Nanso amenehunu ho nyansahu ankasa hyɛ ase wɔ ase.
Wɔ nhwehwɛmu bi a ɛfiri UCLA, nkurɔfoɔ hwɛɛ anim a ɛkyerɛ atenka a emu yɛ den bere a mfidie bi rehwɛ wɔn amene mu. Bere a wɔhwɛɛ anim a abufuw anaa ehu wɔ so kɛkɛ no, amygdala no sɔɔ. Ɛno ne amene no kɔkɔbɔ dɔn, baabi a ɛhwɛ asiane ne ehu so. Nanso bere a saa nkurɔfoɔ no ankasa twaa atenka no asɛmfua, bɔ din no, amygdala no dwoo. Bere koro no ara mu, baabi a ɛwɔ prefrontal cortex no a ɛwɔ moma akyi, baabi a ɛhwɛ kasa ne adwene a ɛfiri pɛ so, yɛɛ adwuma kɛse. Onhwehwɛmufoɔ panyin no, Matthew Lieberman, kaa no pefee: fa asɛmfua "abufuw" bata ho, na wobɛhunu mmuaeɛ ketewa wɔ kɔkɔbɔ no fa hɔ.
Susuw deɛ ɛno kyerɛ wɔ bere a ɛyɛ daa mu ho. Atenka ne adwene a wode dwene ho no ba wɔ amene afahyɛ ahodoɔ mu, na wɔde sesa wɔn ho. Bere a wode wo nsa kɔ asɛmfua bi so no, woresesa adesoa no bi firi kɔkɔbɔ no so kɔ ɔfa a obetumi adwene ho no so. Wonyɛ atenka no sɛ ɛnyera. Wo yi no firi adwumayɛ agua no so.
Yei ne nokware aba a ɛwɔ asɛm a ayaresafoɔ pii de di dwuma no mu: bɔ din na fa hyɛ nnae (name it to tame it). "Hyɛ nnae" yɛ anidasoɔ kakra, nokware ni. Asɛmfua pa a ɛsɛ ne *kura*. Sɛ atenka bi nya din pɛ a, wobetumi akura no abasa kakra na woahwɛ, sen sɛ ɛbɛfɔ wo mu.
Nsonsonoeɛ a ɛda "bɔne" ne asɛmfua ankasa ntam
Yɛn mu dodoɔ no ara de atenka ho kasaasɛm ketewa paa na ɛyɛ adwuma. Ɛyɛ, ɛyɛ bɔne, ɛyɛ, m'ahaw, mabrɛ. Yɛyam yɛn mu tebea ahodoɔ ɔha bi kosi din anaa enum, na yebisa adɛn nti na biribiara nkɔ pɛpɛɛpɛ.
Adwene ho nyansahufoɔ Lisa Feldman Barrett frɛ deɛ aka no *atenka mu tetewmu* (emotional granularity), tumi a wode hu wo atenka ahodoɔ ntam pɛpɛɛpɛ kakra. Fa wo nsa kɔ "bɔne" akyi: yei yɛ abamubuo, anaa ɛyɛ ahɔɔyaw? Yei yɛ ehu, anaa ɛyɛ huboɔ, a ɛyɛ ehu a ɛnni biribi pefee a ɛkyerɛ? Deɛ merefrɛ no abufuw yi ankasa yɛ ɛyaw a afura atadeɛ a ɛyɛ den anaa?
Saa nsonsonoeɛ yi nyɛ kasaasɛm agorɔ. Ɛkyerɛ ahiadeɛ ahodoɔ. Abamubuo taa pɛ sɛ wɔgye no tom ne bere kakra. Ahɔɔyaw taa yɛ nsɛnkyerɛnneɛ sɛ wɔatra ɛhyeɛ bi na ɛhia sɛ wɔbɔ din pefee. Ɛyaw pɛ awerɛkyekyerɛ. Abufuw pɛ adeɛ a wɔbɛyɛ. Sɛ wobɔ saa nan no nyinaa din "m'ahaw" a, wobɛkɔ so de mmuaeɛ a ano nyɛ nnam koro no ara adi dwuma na woakɔ so apa.
Nhwehwɛmu yi ho nhwehwɛmu bi a Todd Kashdan, Lisa Feldman Barrett, ne Patrick McKnight dii anim no hui biribi a ɛsɛ sɛ wobɛtena ase ho. Nkurɔfoɔ a wɔbetumi anya wɔn atenka adi a ɛmu tetew kakra, wɔn a wɔte abufuhyeɛ ketewa ne abufuw kɛse ntam nsonsonoeɛ sen kɔkɔɔ kɛse koro no, taa di asɔ den so yie bere a nneɛma yɛ den. Wɔ ahohia ankasa mmreɛ mu no, ɛnyɛ den sɛ wɔbɛhwe ase akɔ akwan a ɛsɛe adeɛ kɛse a wɔfa so di yaw ho dwuma no mu. Dodoɔ a wubetumi abɔ deɛ wote nka din pɔtee no, dodoɔ a ɛte sɛ deɛ wɔwɔ akwan pii a wode bɛyɔ ho biribi.
Sɛdeɛ ɛte sɛ wononoo atenka baako mu
Momma yɛnnyɛ nhwɛsoɔ baako brɛoo, ɛfiri sɛ asɔmdwie ho mfoni no betumi ate sɛ ɛyɛ mmerɛ wɔ ɔkwan a deɛ ɛyɛ ampa no nte saa.
Ka sɛ wɔfɛɔfoɔ bi nya adwuma a na wopɛ. Nea wofiri kan susu wo ho ne "me ho ye, mente nka pa nnɛ kɛkɛ." Ɛno ne kusukuukuu no. Ɛyɛ deɛ ɛnda adi yie a ɛma wokɔ so dwene ho a wode nyɔ ho hwee a mfaso wɔ so.
Afei mia so. *Deɛ ɛwɔ ha ankasa ne dɛn?* Asɛmfua a ɛyɛ nokware kan a ɛpue ne ahɔɔyaw. Yie, ɛyaw sɛ wɔbɛgye atom, nanso ɛyɛ nokware sen "mente nka pa." Tena ho bi bɔɔ baako bio na ɛpaapae yɛ nneɛma ahodoɔ mmienu. Ahɔɔyaw wɔ hɔ, ɔfa a na ɛpɛ deɛ wɔnyaeɛ no. Na ɛno ase no, biribi a ɛyɛ komm na ɛyaw kɛse wɔ hɔ: ehu sɛ wɔtraa wo gyaa wo ɛfiri sɛ wonyɛ papa sɛdeɛ na w'ani da so. Deɛ ɛdi kan no fa adwuma no ho. Deɛ ɛtɔ so mmienu no fa wo bo a ɛsɔ ho.
Hwɛ sɛdeɛ ɛno sesa adeɛ a edi hɔ no. "Mente nka pa" mma baabiara, ebia bo a ɛfu ntɛm ne anwummerɛ bɔne. "M'ani abere na ehu ka me kakra sɛ meretɔ akyi" de wo kɔ baabi ankasa. Wobetumi abisa wo sɔfoɔ nokware ho afotuo. Wobetumi akae wo ho adwuma a w'ani gye ho ampa. Wobetumi ama ahɔɔyaw no ayɛ adeɛ a ɛteɛ kɛkɛ, ɛfiri sɛ nneɛma pa pɛ nyɛ mfomsoɔ. Saa apono yi mu biara mmue bere a atenka no da so yɛ mmati woso.
Ɛno ne nimdeɛ no nyinaa wɔ ne ketewa mu. Wonyɛ mmɔden sɛ wo ho bɛtɔ wo ntɛm ara. Wobɔ mmɔden sɛ wobɛhunu adeɛ pefee, ɛfiri sɛ atenka a emu da hɔ no ba a akwankyerɛ bata ho, na deɛ ɛyɛ kusukuukuu no deɛ ɛmmɔ.
Sɛdeɛ wobɛyɔ no ankasa
Yei nyɛ adwennezɔ a ɛhia akɔnnɔ ne simma aduonu. Ɛbɛn suban bi a wobetumi de adi dwuma adwumayɔ da no mfimfini. Akwan kakra a wɔfa so:
- Kyere nipadua no kan. Atenka taa pue wɔ nipadua mu ansa na woanya asɛmfua ama. Abogyeɛ a ahyɔɔ mu. Yafunu a ɛyɛ amena. Hyeɛ wɔ w'anim. Mmati a ahyɔɔ mu. Bere a wohu atenka no, ɛno ne wo nsɛnkyerɛnneɛ. Biribi wɔ ha. Afei kɔhwehwɛ ne din.
- Fi ase basabasa, na afei sɔ ano. Ɛnsɛ sɛ woka asɛmfua pɔtee no so ntɛm ara. Fi deɛ ano nyɛ nam no so. "Mete nka bɔne." Afei mia so prɛko: bɔne te sɛn? Awerɛhoɔ-bɔne? Ehu-bɔne? Aniwu-bɔne? Asɛmmisa biara hyɔ mu. Wonyɔ wo ho nkrataa. Wode wo ho rebɔ wo ho.
- Twerɛ to hɔ anaa ka no denneennen. Biribi fa atenka no firi wo tirim ba asɛmfua a ɛwɔ krataa so, anaa kasamu a woka no ankasa, ma ɛyɛ den kɛse. "Misusu sɛ me ho yeraw me wɔ nhyiamu a ɔkyena no ho" da adi sononko sen adwene koro no ara a ɛredi akɔneaba komm.
- Fa asɛmfua ketewa no, ɛnyɔ deɛ ɛyɔ hu no. Nkurɔfoɔ ɛtɔ da bi kwati yei ɛfiri sɛ din no yɔ akɛseɔ dodo. Ɛnsɛ sɛ woyɔ "abufuhyeɔfoɔ" anaa "obi a wɔasɔe no." Daa asetena dodoɔ no ara nam atenka a ɛyɔ komm so: ɛyɔ awerɛhoɔ kakra, abɔfu kakra, ankonam kakra, ahaw kakra a ɛnda adi. Yeinom kɔ. Sɔ nketewa no din ntɛm taa ma ɛnnyini.
- Ka "mete nka," ɛnyɔ "meyɔ." Nsonsonoeɔ ankasa wɔ "me ho yeraw me" ne "meyɔ onipa a ne ho yeraw no daa" ntam. Baako yɔ ewiem. Baako yɔ ewiem tebea. Sɛ wobɔ atenka no din sɔ biribi a ɛretwam wɔ wo mu, ɛnyɔ biribi a wo *yɔ*, ɛma no kwan sɔ ɛkɔ.
Nokwasɛm kakra wɔ ha. Sɛ wosɔ yei hwɔ na atenka no tena hɔ ara, a ɛnkesa a, na ɛnyɔ sɔ woadi nkogu. Din-bɔ nyɔ adɔnu a wɔde popa. Ɛtɔ da bi a, adwuma no ne sɔ wubetumi aka pefee sɔ, "Me werɔ ahoɔ, na ɛho kwan wɔ hɔ," a wonyɔ ntɛm sɔ wɔbɛsiesie. Saa nteasee no ne nkonimdie no, sɔ awerɔhoɔ no tena hɔ kakra koraa.
Sɔ woka kyerɔ obi foforɔ
Deɔ yɔaka ho asɔm no dodoɔ no ara yɔ emu deɔ, biribi a wɔyɔ wɔ w'adwene mu. Nanso mfaso no dodoɔ pue wɔ nkurɔfoɔ ntam, ɔfiri sɔ atenka a wɔmmɔ din no na akasakasa pii ankasa fi.
Bere a wuntumi mmɔ deɔ wote nka din no, ɔtaa pue wɔ nkyɔn. Woyɔ komm na woma obi susu deɔ ɛyɔ bɔne. Wo bo fu wɔ nkukuo ho bere a adeɔ ankasa ne sɔ wotee nka sɔ wɔabu wo animtia. Wo hokafoɔ anaa w'adamfo gyaw hɔ a ɔregye akasae no so na ɔnyɔ nsɔnkɔdɔɔ no, na seesei nkurɔfoɔ baanu a wɔabɔ wɔn werɔ wɔ hɔ na ɔhaw pɔtee biara nni hɔ a wɔbɛsiesie.
Sɔ wobɔ din denneennen a, ɔtwa mu. "Mete nka sɔ adeɔ adɔɔ me so na mehia simma du" ma onipa foforɔ no biribi a obetumi de ayɔ adwuma. "Misusu sɔ wɔ asɔm a woka no apira me, na mennim sɔ saa na na ɔpɔ sɔ ɛbɔtɔ" bue pono a abufuw to mu. Wode adeɔ ankasa no rema no sɔ wɔbema watu mu ahwehwɔ.
Yei yɔ adwuma wɔ ɔkwan foforɔ nso. Bere a obi a wo ho da no ho abɔfu pefee na ɔntumi nka deɔ enti no, wobetumi de asɔmfua ama no brɔoɔ na woama no nsiesie wo. "Wo ho atɔ wo te sɔ deɔ ɛnyɔ wo dɔɔ, merekenkan no yie?" Mpɔn pii nkurɔfoɔ nhia sɔ wobɛsiesie biribi. Wɔhia mmoa a wɔde behu din no, na wɔate nka sɔ wɔahu wɔn wɔ ne mu. Cleveland Clinic akwankyerɔ a ɛfa atenka ho kasa ho no ka asɔm a ɛfa ho a ɔfata sɔ wɔbɛkɔ so akura: sɔdeɔ yɔbɔ atenka no ho ban no ho hia. Nkurɔfoɔ a wɔsi gyinae sɔ awerɔhoɔ anaa ehu yɔ deɔ wɔnnye ntom, nneɔma a wɔbɔ tɔ, taa di asɔ den sen nkurɔfoɔ a wɔbetumi ama atenka a ɛnyɔ fɔ ayɔ atenka kɔkɔɔ kɔkɔɔ. Atenka din-bɔ, wɔ wo ho anaa obi ho, yɔ kwankɔɔ adeɔyɔ bi. Ɛka sɔ: yei wɔ ha, na ɔho kwan wɔ hɔ.
Bere a atenka no bɔmɔ din
Ɛtɔ da bi a wode kɔhwehwɔ asɔmfua no na woba kwa. Atenka no yɔ kɔse dodo, anaa ɔkɔntɔkɔntɔ dodo, anaa woahyɔ ma araa sɔ kasa ayɔ den. Ɛno ba, na ɔnyɔ suban mfomsoɔ.
Sɔ wowɔ saa tebea no mu a, adwuma a edi kan no nyɔ pɔtee, na mmom ɔyɔ sɔ wode wo nipadua bɔsɔ ano kɔsi sɔ adwene bɔsane aba. Ma wo home brɔ. Fa wo nan to fɔm. Bɔ deɔ atwa wo ho ahyia din sen deɔ ɔwɔ wo mu, akonnwa no, mfɔnsɔreɔ no, kaa nnyegyeɔ no, kɔsi sɔ kɔkɔbɔ no bɔsɔ aba fɔm kakra. Atenka din-bɔ yɔ adwuma yie bere a wonni ɔko-anaa-guan mu koraa bio. Wobetumi asɔ atenka din-bɔ akɔ akyiri, bere a baabi atrɔɔ kakra.
Ɛsɔ sɔ wohu nso sɔ nkurɔfoɔ binom deɔ, atenka bi yɔ den ampa sɔ wɔbɛnya wɔ kasa mu. Ɔno betumi ayɔ sɔdeɔ wɔbɔɔ wo, na ɔbetumi ayɔ nneɔma a na ɔnyɔ dwoodwoo da sɔ wɔbɛte nka no akyi. Sɔ asɔmfua a wɔde to wo mu asetena so yɔ den araa, anaa sɔ wode w'ani kyerɔ w'atenka taa ma wo ho popo a, ɔno yɔ nsɔnkyerɔnneɔ sɔ fɔ saa adwuma yi a obi a wɔatete no ahɔ ho ka wo ho sen sɔ wo nko ara bɔyɔ.
Nimdeɔ, ɔnyɔ suban
Deɔ ɔhyɔ nkuran ne sɔ yeinom mu biara nyɔ deɔ ɛda hɔ daa. Atenka ho kasaasɔm yɔ deɔ wɔsua. Nkurɔfoɔ a wɔnyinii wɔ afie a na wɔnnka atenka ho asɔm da no betumi asɔ nimdeɔ no wɔ wɔn mpaninyɔ mu, brɔoɔ, sɔdeɔ wobɛsua kasa biara, ɔnam emu di a edi kan bɔne na woayɔ no yie. Bere biara a wogyae na wobisa "yei ne dɔn ankasa?" no, woreho mfɔ a ɛda kɔkɔbɔ no ne wo fa a obetumi adwene no ntam.
Kɔ so na kusukuukuu no ba mpɔn kakra. Wohyɔ ase kyere atenka ntɔm, bere a ɛda so yɔ ketewa a wobetumi adi ho dwuma. Awia bɔne nyɔ ahintasɔm a woahyɔ mu bio, na ɔbɔyɔ biribi a wobetumi aka, na atenka a wubetumi aka no yɔ deɔ woahyɔ ase di so dɔɔ.
Sɔ atenka a wote nka din no kɔ so de wo kɔ baabi a ɛyɔ esum a, sɔ asɔmfua a ɛyɔ nokware no yɔ biribi a ɛte sɔ anidasoɔ awuo anaa ɔdwoo a ɔmma so a, mesɔ wo, ntena saa baako no ho nko ara. Ɔno ne berɔ pɔtee a ɔsɔ sɔ wode onipa foforɔ ba mu, ɔdokota, ɔyaresafoɔ, anaa ɔhaw mu mmoa ahomakɔ telefɔn. Atenka no din-bɔ yɔ anammɔn a edi kan ankasa. Wɔ atenka bi fa mu no, anammɔn a edi hɔ a akokoɔduru wɔ mu ne sɔ wobɛma obi aboa wo asoa.
Nsɔm a wɔnyaeɔ
- UCLA Health, Putting Feelings Into Words Produces Therapeutic Effects in the Brain
- PubMed (Lieberman et al., 2007), Putting feelings into words: affect labeling disrupts amygdala activity in response to affective stimuli
- Cleveland Clinic, Emotions: How To Express What You Feel
- Kashdan, Barrett & McKnight (Current Directions in Psychological Science, 2015), Unpacking Emotion Differentiation