Nsonsonoeɛ a Ɛda Ɔhaw a Wobetumi Asiesie ne Deɛ Ɛkɔ so daa Ntam

Awarefoɔ pii wɔ ɔko bi a wɔako mpɛn ɔha. Ɛsesa n'atadeɛ bere biara. Nnawɔtwe biako ɛyɛ nkukunsoɔ, deɛ ɛdi hɔ ɛyɛ nkrasɛm a wɔmmua, deɛ ɛdi hɔ ɛyɛ sɛdeɛ wode Memeneda no diiɛ. Nanso emu deɛ, ɛyɛ akasakasa korɔ no ara, na mo baanu nyinaa nim bere a ɛfiri ase, ɛfiri sɛ wotumi te dadwene dada a wonim no nka ansa na mo mu biara awie kasamu a edi kan.

Sɛ ɛno te sɛ wo a, ɛha na biribi wɔ hɔ a ɛfata sɛ wote ntɛm: hokwan kɛse wɔ hɔ sɛ wɔrensiesie saa ɔko pɔtee no da. Ɛnyɛ sɛ wo ne onipa a ɔmfata na ɛte. Ɛnyɛ sɛ mo mu baako reyɛ ne ho den. Ɛyɛ sɛ akasakasa bi nyɛ deɛ wɔayɛ sɛ wɔbɛsiesie koraa. Wɔyɛ deɛ wɔbɛhwɛ so, brɛoo, bere tenten.

Saa adwene no firi abusuabɔ nhwehwɛmuni John Gottman a ɔde mfeɛ pii hwɛɛ awarefoɔ ankasa a wɔreko wɔ ahwɛbea na ɔdii deɛ ɛkyɛre no akyi. N'adwenkyerɛ a wɔtaa ka mu baako yɛ nwonwa. Bɛyɛ ɔha mu aduɔnsia akron (69) wɔ nneɛma a awarefoɔ ko ho no mu yɛ deɛ ɔfrɛ no ɔhaw a ɛkɔ so daa (perpetual problems), deɛ ɛnkɔ koraa da. Fa kakra no nko ara na wobetumi asiesie ankasa. Yɛn mu pii deɛ, wɔanka yei ankyerɛ yɛn da, enti yɛfa ɔko biara a ɛsane ba sɛ huammɔ. Ɛnte saa. Ɛyɛ nnipa baanu a wɔbom bɔ ɔbra no akontabuo.

Ɔhaw ahodoɔ mmienu a ɛda nsoɔ

Anammɔn a edi kan a wode fi ɔko a atim mu ne sɛ wobɛhunu ɔko ko a ɛyɛ ankasa. Ahodoɔ mmienu wɔ hɔ, na wɔbisa wo nneɛma a ɛnsɛ koraa.

Ɔhaw a wobetumi asiesie fa tebea bi ho. Ɛwɔ bɔ a mo baanu nyinaa tumi hu, na baabi wɔ mu hɔ a mmuaeɛ a ɛyɛ adwuma wɔ. Hwan na ɔbɛkyere dwankora. Sɛdeɛ TV no nne bɛyɛ den fa wɔ dɔnhwere du akyi. Sɛ wo maame bɛtena anadwo mmiɛnsa anaa enum. Saa nhaw yi tumi yɛ ɔhyew bere no mu, nanso ɔhyew no wɔ ani so. Sɛ mo baanu nyinaa nya nhyehyɛeɛ bi a mo nyinaa tumi tena mu a, asɛm no taa ka asiesie mu. Ebia ɛbɛsane aba, nanso ɛmmue apirakuro dada korɔ no ara bio bere biara.

Ɔhaw a ɛkɔ so daa yɛ soronko firi ase kɔ. Ɛfiri mo baanu yɛ ko mu: nsonsonoeɛ a ɛtim wɔ suban mu, wɔ ɔbra ho, wɔ deɛ mo mu biara hia na ɔbɛte nka sɛ ɔwɔ banbɔ na ɔwɔ ne fie. Mo mu baako pɛ adeyɛ a ɛmmra nhyehyɛeɛ so na baako hia nhyehyɛeɛ. Baako bo yɛ hyew na ɔpɛ nnipa, baako gye n'ahome wɔ komm mu. Baako sɛe sika de gye n'ani seesei, baako kora de te nka sɛ ɔwɔ banbɔ daakye. Yeinom mu biara nyɛ mfomsoɔ. Wɔyɛ nsonsonoeɛ ankasa a ɛtim a ɛda nnipa baanu mogya nhyehyɛeɛ ntam, na akasakasa biara dodoɔ rentwa no so. Wobetumi aka sika ho asɛm mfeɛ aduasa na woda so ara bɛyɛ, wɔ ase pɛɛ, ɔsɛefoɔ ne ɔkorafoɔ.

Gottman nhwehwɛmu hunu sɛ saa nhaw a ɛkɔ so daa yi wɔ awarefoɔ biara mu, wɔn a wɔn ani gye ka ho. Nsonsonoeɛ a ɛda awarefoɔ a wɔnya nkɔso ne wɔn a wɔnnya bi ntam no nyɛ sɛ wɔwɔ saa nhaw yi anaa. Obiara wɔ bi. Ɛyɛ sɛdeɛ wɔde soa.

Deɛ enti a sɛ wobɔ mmɔden sɛ wobɛ"di nkonim" a ɛyɛ bɔne kɛse

Sɛ wofa ɔhaw a ɛkɔ so daa sɛ deɛ wobetumi asiesie a, wokɔ so hwehwɛ awieeɛ a enni hɔ. Nkɔmmɔdie biara bɛyɛ mmɔdenbɔ foforɔ sɛ wobɛsiesie no awie, sɛ wobɛma wo hokafoɔ agye atom sɛ na woteɛ na wasesa. Na esiane sɛ nsonsonoeɛ no yɛ ankasa na ɛnnkɔ baabiara nti, mmɔden biara di nkoguo. Nkoguo no yaw, enti bere a ɛdi hɔ no woba a wode den kakra ka ho, akotaadeɛ kakra ka ho.

Saa apirim a ɛyɛ brɛoo no wɔ din wɔ Gottman adwuma mu: gridlock (kwan a asi). Akasakasa a kwan asi wɔ ɛho nka soronko. Mokasa kasa nanso munnu baabiara. Wofiri ase te nka sɛ onipa a wo dɔ no kɛse no apo wo. Asɛm no gyae sɛ ɛyɛ asɛm na ɛyɛ apirakuro, a ɛyɛ duru ara ma woyɛ wo ho krado ansa na mpo woato so. Bere kɔ no ɔdɔ no sane firi mu. Wogyae sɛ wode anigyeɛ bɛba, wogyae sɛ wode pɛ a wopɛ sɛ wobɛhunu bɛba, na mo baanu nyinaa tu hyɛ mo twea mu. Sɛ wogyae no saa kɔ akyiri a, kwan a asi no nsɛe asɛm baako no nko. Ɛbrɛ abusuabɔ no nyinaa ase brɛoo bere a mo baanu nyinaa gyae komm sɛ wɔbɛte mo ase.

Ɔkwan a wonam so fi mu no nyɛ nsiesieɛ a ɛyɛ pa. Ɛyɛ nkɔmmɔdie a ɛyɛ pa. Gottman asɛm a ɔde kyerɛ botaeɛ no ne sɛ yɛnkɔ "firi kwan a asi mu kɔ nkɔmmɔdie mu," na saa nkɔmmɔdie no botaeɛ yɛ deɛ ɛyɛ nwonwa sɛ ɛsua. Wonhwehwɛ sɛ wobɛpene so. Worehwehwɛ sɛ wobɛka adeɛ no ho asɛm a wonyɛ mo ho mo ho yaw, na woate deɛ ɛkyerɛ onipa a ɔwɔ w'anim no ankasa ase.

Deɛ taa da ase

Sika ho akasakasa no ntaa mfa sika ho. Aka a ɔka ho akasakasa no ntaa mfa dɔn ho. Ɔko a ɛkɔ so daa taa gyina biribi a ɛyɛ mmerɛ so, anidasoɔ anaa ehu anaa ahiadeɛ bi a ɛho hia mo mu baako paa na baako no nhunuu no yie.

Ɔtwerɛfoɔ bi a ɔkaa saa nhwehwɛmu yi ho asɛm wɔ Psychology Today mu kaeɛ pefee: awarefoɔ ko deɛ wohu ho asɛm, adwuma anaa dabuu, nanso saa nneɛma a ɛwɔ ani so no taa kata ahiadeɛ a emu da hɔ bi so. Onipa baako te nka sɛ wɔremia n'ahofadie. Baako te nka sɛ ɔyɛ ankonam, te sɛ ɔnyɛ hwee. Sɛ woko fa ani so adeɛ no nko ara ho a, mo kɔ so hwere mo ho mo ho, ɛfiri sɛ adeɛ ankasa no nnaa ɛpono so da.

Enti asɛmmisa a mfasoɔ wɔ mu kɛse wɔ ɔko a ɛsane ba mu no nyɛ "yɛbɛyɛ dɛn asiesie yei." Ɛyɛ komm sen saa. Adɛn nti na yei ho hia wo saa? Deɛn na wosuro sɛ ɛbɛsi sɛ ɛkɔ ɔkwan foforɔ so? Deɛn na yei kaee wo, bere a worenyini? Ɔkorafoɔ no ase taa da abɔfra a ɔhwɛɛ n'abusua a wɔrepere hwehwɛ sika. Ɔsɛefoɔ no ase taa da obi a ɔsuaa sɛ anigyeɛ yɛ mmerɛ na ɛsɛ sɛ wofa bere a ɛwɔ hɔ. Mo mu biara nyɛ mfomsoɔ. Wɔyɛ nnipa baanu a wɔn adwene mu da hɔ a wɔrebɔ nneɛma mmienu a ɛyɛ ankasa ho ban.

Sɛdeɛ wode ɔko a wobɛkɔ so ako no bɛyɛ adwuma

Worenma ɔhaw a ɛkɔ so daa nyera. Wobetumi ama emu yaw asua kɛse ama wode atena ho. Nneɛma kakra boa ankasa.

1. Bom mo baanu, fa din a ɛfata frɛ no kɛse. Ahomegyeɛ wɔ sɛ wobɛka kɛkɛ sɛ, "Minnsusu sɛ yɛbɛsiesie yei, na minnsusu sɛ ɛsɛ sɛ yɛyɛ." Sɛ wofa ɔko sɛ deɛ ɛkɔ so daa a, ɛyi suro no bi firi mu. Wogyae sɛ wobɛfa mprɛn biara sɛ huammɔ na wofiri ase fa no sɛ ewiem nsakraeɛ a wonim.
2. Yɛ adwene a wopɛ sɛ wuhu ansa na wode wo ho hyɛ mu. Bere a edi hɔ a ɛbɛpue no, ko ɔpɛ a ɛhyɛ wo sɛ wode bɛma wagye atom no. Bisa asɛmmisa nokwafoɔ baako fa deɛ enti a ɛho hia no ho, na tie mmuaeɛ no ankasa sen sɛ wobɛhyɛ wo mmuaeɛ ma. Woreboaboa nimdeɛ a ɛfa onipa a wodɔ no ho, ɛnyɛ sɛ woreyɛ asɛm.
3. Brɛ wo ankasa onipadua ase kan. Saa nkɔmmɔdie yi ma mogya nhyehyɛeɛ no kɔ soro ntɛm. Sɛ w'akoma rebɔ na w'adwene asua na ayɛ tia a, woahwere wo ho a ɛyɛ pa kwan, na biribi pa biara nsi firi hɔ. Ɛye sɛ wobɛka sɛ, "Mepɛ sɛ yɛkɔ so ka yei ho asɛm, ɛyɛ sɛ mehia simma aduonu na mabrɛ me ho ase." Afei brɛ wo ho ase ankasa, na sane bra.
4. Hwehwɛ baabi ketewa a ɛhyia. Wonhia adwene mu pene a ɛyɛ pɛ. Wuhia mfimfini bi a ɛyɛ adwuma a ɛbu deɛ mo mu biara rentumi nnyae no. Hunu fa baako a worentumi nnu so ankasa, ka afa a wowɔ kwan wɔ ho din, na yɛ nhyehyɛeɛ a ɛyɛ bere tiawa fa ho. Afei san hwɛ no. Wɔsane di nhaw a ɛkɔ so daa ho nkɔmmɔ wɔ nkwanna nyinaa mu, ɛnyɛ sɛ wɔsiesie no prɛko.
5. Ma ɔdɔ ntena ɛdan no mu. Ɔdɔ kakra sesa nsɛnnie no nyinaa. Nsa a wode to ne basa so, fɛsɛrew kakra fa sɛdeɛ saa ɔko yi ayɛ deɛ wonim sɛ ɛbɛba ho, nkaeɛ sɛ mowɔ kuo korɔ mu mpo bere a mo adwene ntwa da. Awarefoɔ a wɔde saa nhaw yi di dwuma yie no yɛ wɔn a wɔtumi ka asɛm a ɛyɛ den no a wɔnhwere ayamyɛ no.

Ma onipa a aka no nkaa wo kakra

Fa baako wɔ hɔ a ɛkura yei nyinaa komm, na Gottman de din a emu da hɔ ma: gye nkɛntɛnso tom (accepting influence). Ɛkyerɛ sɛ wobɛtena hɔ a wo ho da hɔ ma wo hokafoɔ adwene, a wopɛ sɛ deɛ ɔka kyerɛ wo no sesa wo kakra, sɛ ɛyɛ nsɛm a wo ne no rempene so koraa mpo. Ɛyɛ nsonsonoeɛ a ɛda sɛ wotie sɛ wobɛhunu mfomsoɔ a ɛwɔ deɛ ɔreka mu ne sɛ wotie sɛ wobɛfa ne bi ankasa no ntam.

Yei te sɛ ade a ɛyɛ mmerɛ, na ɛyɛ deɛ ɛnyɛ ɔbenkum. Nanso ɛsoa adesoa. Sɛ woma wo hokafoɔ adwene sesa wo kakra mpo a, ɔko a ɛsane ba no nne nyinaa sesa. Wɔgyae sɛ wɔbɛte sɛ wɔrekasa kyerɛ ɔfasuo, a ɛkyerɛ sɛ ɛnsɛ sɛ wɔkɔ soro na wɔate wɔn, a ɛkyerɛ sɛ ɛnsɛ sɛ wobɔ wo ho ban. Ɔko no sua. Wo da so ara yɛ ɔkorafoɔ ne ɔsɛefoɔ. Mo yɛ nnipa baanu a mo mu biara ma onipa a aka no nokware ho kwan, ɛnyɛ nnipa baanu a mo mu biara retwɛn sɛ baako bɛbrɛ ne ho ase awieeɛ.

Sɛ wogye nkɛntɛnso tom nso yɛ adeyɛ a wobetumi akyekye. Bere a edi hɔ a ɔko dada no fi ase no, bɔ mmɔden hwehwɛ ade baako wɔ deɛ wo hokafoɔ reka mu a wode wo nokware tumi pene so, na ka ansa na woaka biribiara. "Woka nokware sɛ me bo fu wɔ yei ho." "Ɛyɛ pɛ, makyɛ akyiri." Mmrɛaseɛ ketewa, a wode di kan ma, taa brɛ nkɔmmɔdie no nyinaa ase ɔkwan a mmuaeɛ a ɛyɛ anika biara rentumi nyɛ da.

Yeinom mu biara nkyerɛ sɛ nsonsonoeɛ biara yɛ deɛ wobetumi ayɛ ho biribi, na ɛnnkyerɛ sɛ ɛsɛ sɛ wopene so sɛ wɔbɛyɛ wo bɔne. Animtiabuo, ahyɛsoɔ, ne atirimuɔden nyɛ nhaw a ɛkɔ so daa a wɔbɛhwɛ so. Wɔyɛ nneɛma a ɛma wo hwehwɛ mmoa anaa wode bedwene abusuabɔ no ho bio. Nhyehyɛeɛ a ɛwɔ ha yi yɛ ma nnipa baanu a wɔn adwene da hɔ ma papayɛ a wɔkɔ so dɛ nsonsonoeɛ nokwafoɔ korɔ no ara mu.

Bere a ɛfata sɛ wode mmoa ba mu

Ɛtɔ da bi a ɔko bi akɔ kwan a asi mu kyɛ ara ma worentumi nsane nkɔ nkɔmmɔdie ankasa mu wo nko ara. Asɛm no yɛ ogyaframa, mmɔdenbɔ biara wie ɔfasuo korɔ no ara mu, na woafiri ase ate nka sɛ adwumayɛfoɔ a aba sɛ wɔn werɛ aho. Ɛno nyɛ atemmuo a wode bu abusuabɔ no. Ɛyɛ sɛnkyerɛnneɛ sɛ asɛm no apirim atra baabi a mo baanu nyinaa rentumi mma ɛnyɛ mmerɛ a nsa biara mmoa.

Awarefoɔ ho ayaresani pa yɛ saa adwuma yi ankasa, ɔboa wo sɛ wobɛyi yaw afiri asɛm a atim mu na woatumi asane akasa bio. Sɛ wo ankasa wo tebea yɛ deɛ ɛma akasakasa yɛ den a, sɛ wode ahokyere, awerɛhoɔ, anaa apirakuro dada a ɛsɔre bere yi mu a, sɛ wo nko ara wo ne dɔkota anaa ayaresani di nkɔmmɔ nso fata. Na sɛ abusuabɔ bi ma wote nka sɛ wo ho yɛ hu anaa wonni banbɔ a, ɛno foro twa akasakasa a ɛyɛ daa no koraa, na sɛ wode wo ho kɔ abenfoɔ anaa mmoa telefon ahoma so a, ɛyɛ adeyɛ pa a wode yɛ wo ho ma wo ho.

Awarefoɔ a wɔkɔ ɔkwan no nyɛ wɔn a wɔnyaa hokafoɔ a dabuu biara nni mu. Wɔyɛ wɔn a wɔsuaa sɛdeɛ wɔde ayamyɛ kakra bɛko adeɛ dada korɔ no ara ho asɛm wɔ nkwanna mu biara. Wobetumi adɔ obi na woda so ara wɔ ɔko a ɛnkɔ koraa da. Nnipa pii a wɔdodɔ wɔn ho deɛ wɔyɛ saa.

Nsɛm a wɔnyaeɛ firii

• The Gottman Institute, Managing Conflict: Solvable vs. Perpetual Problems
• The Gottman Institute, Managing Conflict: Recognizing Gridlock
• Psychology Today, Why 69 Percent of Couples' Conflict Will Never Go Away