Nkɔmmɔdie a Ɛkyerɛ Abusuabɔ no Mu a Ehu Nni Mu

Nnawɔtwe mmiɛnsa. Ebia bosome mmiɛnsa. Nneɛma teɛ yie, dodoɔ no ara, na afei wode wo fon to fam na adwene nwunu ketewa bi ba: yɛyɛ deɛn, ankasa? Wommisa. Woka kyerɛ wo ho sɛ ɛyɛ ntɛm dodo, anaa ɛkyerɛ sɛ wohia obi dodo, anaa sɛ wode bɛto so a ɛbɛbɔ ahuro no afie. Enti wotwɛn. Na twɛn no ankasa bɛyɛ dadwene a ɛyɛ komm a edi w'akyi da no nyinaa.

Saa nkɔmmɔdie no wɔ din kakra seesei. DTR, ɔkwan tiawa a ɛgyina hɔ ma "kyerɛ abusuabɔ no mu" (define the relationship). Nkɔmmɔdie a wogyae nsusuiɛ na woka deɛ wopɛ sɛ yei yɛ no kɛse. Ɛkame ayɛ obiara suro ho. Suro no fata sɛ wote aseɛ, ɛfiri sɛ sɛ wohu deɛ ɛwɔ ase a, nkɔmmɔdie no suro tew kɛse.

Deɛ enti a sɛnea wonnim no yɛ fa a ɛyɛ bɔne paa

Ɛha na biribi wɔ hɔ a ɛyɛ nnipa nwonwa. Ehu no nyɛ sɛ wobɛte daabi. Ɛyɛ sɛ wonnim.

Nhwehwɛmu a ɛyɛ den bi wɔ hɔ a ɛfa deɛ adwene ho abenfoɔ frɛ no abufuɔ ho wɔ deɛ ɛnnim (intolerance of uncertainty), ɔhaw a yɛn mu bi wɔ sɛ yɛbɛtena asɛmmisa a ɛda hɔ ho. Sɛ adwene ntumi nhunu deɛ ɛbɛba no a, ɛnka mfimfini. Ɛtaa de version a ɛyɛ bɔne paa hyɛ baabi a ɛda hɔ ma na ɛfa saa nsusuiɛ no sɛ nokware. Nhwehwɛmu bi wɔ nwoma a wɔfrɛ no *Neural Plasticity* mu kyerɛkyerɛ sɛdeɛ deɛ ɛnnim a ɛfa adeɛ a ɛrebɛsi daakye ho no sɛe yɛn tumi a yɛde susu adeɛ dwo, deɛ ɛpia yɛn ma yɛsusu sɛ asɛm bɔne bi bɛsi ne sɛdeɛ ɛbɛyɛ bɔne fa nyinaa kɛse. Adeɛ a wonnim no yɛ hu ankasa esiane sɛ wonnim.

Enti na "yɛbɛhwɛ baabi a ɛrekɔ" a emu nna hɔ tumi yɛ bɔne sen mmuaeɛ a emu da hɔ a wo ho mpɛɛ. Wo mogya nhyehyɛeɛ bɛpɛ nokwasɛm a ɛyɛ den sen baabi a abue a ɛnka hwee. Enti sɛ wobisa awieeɛ a, wonsi wo komam asomdwoeɛ akyinnyeɛ. Wɔ ɔkwan ankasa so, woreɛbɔ ho ban. Woresesa adeɛ a wonnim no kuturuturu brɛoo no de ama biribi a wobɛtumi agyina so ankasa.

Ansa na woka kasa baako

Bere pa ne nokware kakra a wode di wo ho ho yɛ adwuma no dodoɔ. Nneɛma kakra a ɛsɛ sɛ wode siesie wo tirim kan.

Hunu deɛ worebisa ankasa. "Yei rekɔ baabi?" yɛ asɛmmisa a emu yɛ den sɛ wobɛbua ɛfiri sɛ ɛnyɛ asɛmmisa ankasa, ɛyɛ dadwene a ɛhyɛ asɛmmisa atadeɛ. Yɛ pɔtee wɔ wo ho. Wopɛ sɛ wogyae nnipa afoforɔ a wohunu? Wopɛ din? Wopɛ sɛ wohunu sɛ wɔhunu daakye, anaasɛ wopɛ sɛ wohunu sɛ mowɔ adwene baako wɔ bosome yi ho? Ɛnsɛ sɛ wopɛ aware kawa. Nanso ɛsɛ sɛ wonim wo ankasa abisadeɛ.

Yi bere a mo baanu nyinaa bo adwo. Gottman Institute, a ɔde mfeɛ pii asua sɛdeɛ awarefoɔ kasa ankasa, kamfo sɛ yɛnkora nkɔmmɔdie ankasa ma mmere a nkatedeɛ adwo, ɛnyɛ bere a ɔhyew wɔ hɔ na ɛnyɛ bere a obi rewura ɛpono mu kɔ. Mfa DTR no mmɛ kasa wɔ nkrasɛm so anadwo dasum anaa wɔ aguabɔ a nnipa ahyɛ ma mu. Akwantuo a ɛyɛ komm, anɔpa a wo ho adwo, kaa mu akwantuo. Baabi a mo baanu nyinaa bɛtumi adwene.

Gyae nhyehyɛeɛ a wode hwɛ awieeɛ no so. Wobɛtumi ayi sɛdeɛ wode wo ho bɛhyɛ mu. Worentumi nyi deɛ wɔpɛ. Sɛ wosi gyinae kan sɛ wo ho bɛyɛ den ɔkwan biara so, sɛ "den" no gye nna kakra mpo a, ɛyi nhyɛsoɔ a ɛyɛ nwonwa firi ɛdan no mu.

Sɛdeɛ wobɛka no ankasa

Botaeɛ no yɛ emu da hɔ na ɛyɛ ɔdɔ, ɛnyɛ asɛnniiɛ. Worema ɔhyɛ akɛseɛ na worepa kyɛw sɛ wowɔ ahiadeɛ. Woreka nokware na woreto nsa afrɛ wɔn sɛ wɔnyɛ saa ara.

Gottman nkitahodie adwuma kyerɛ pɔtee a ɛyɛ mmerɛ na ɛtim: fi sɛdeɛ wote nka ne deɛ wopɛ so sen deɛ wɔayɛ a ɛnyɛ. Ɛyɛ biribi te sɛ *Mete nka sɛ ___, na anka mepɛ ___.* Ɛma onipa a aka no nkɔ ne ho banbɔ mu, ɛfiri sɛ wɔmmɔ obiara soboɔ wɔ biribiara ho.

Enti sen "Enti yɛbɛyɛ baako da bi anaa ɛyɛ deɛn?", sɔ:

• "Me ho pɛ deɛ ɛrekɔ so wɔ yɛn ntam no paa, na mahunu sɛ mepɛ biribi a emu da hɔ kɛse. Yebetumi aka baabi a yɛn mu biara hunu sɛ yei rekɔ?"
• "Mepɛ sɛ medi nokware kyerɛ wo. Merehwehwɛ abusuabɔ, ɛnyɛ adeɛ a emu da hɔ, na mepɛ sɛ mehunu sɛ ɛno yɛ biribi a wopɛ nso."
• "Mennhyɛ wo mmuaeɛ seesei. Ɛyɛ sɛ mempɛ sɛ mekɔ so dwen kɛkɛ, na mepɛ sɛ mehunu sen sɛ medwen."

Afei nimdeɛ a ɛyɛ den. Tie mmuaeɛ ankasa no, ɛnyɛ deɛ wotwerɛɛ wɔ akwantuo mu no. Gottman nkurɔfoɔ kaa no yie: tie na te aseɛ, ɛnyɛ sɛ wobɛbua. Ma wɔnwie. Ko ɔpɛ a ɛhyɛ wo sɛ wobɛbrɛ wo abisadeɛ ase bere a wote sɛ wɔrentumi nsi gyinae no ase. Simma kakra a ɛyɛ komm yɛ pa. Ma nokware no nya mframa kakra.

Adwennane ketewa baako a ɛboa wɔ bere no mu: wonni hɔ sɛ wode rehwɛ wo ho akyerɛ. Worehwehwɛ sɛ nnipa baanu pɛ adeɛ korɔ anaa. Ɛno yɛ nimdeɛ a mo baanu nyinaa hia, na woreyɛ ayamyɛ sɛ wode aba soro.

Bere a mmuaeɛ no nyɛ deɛ wopɛ

Ɛtɔ da bi a wobisa, na wɔmpɛ deɛ wopɛ. Ɛwɔ yaw. Ɛtumi yaw paa. Nanso hwɛ deɛ woanya. Wonnhwie nnawɔtwe pii ngu asɛmmisa a wɔabua no komm firi ahyɛaseɛ no so bio.

American Psychological Association kyerɛ sɛ awarefoɔ a wɔtena hɔ kyɛre no nyɛ wɔn a wɔn adwene nntwa da. Wɔyɛ wɔn a wɔdi mmere a ɛyɛ den ho dwuma a wɔnteam, wɔmmrɛ wɔn ho wɔn ho ase, anaa wɔnto nkɔmmɔdie mu nkɔ. DTR yɛ saa adeɛ no ankasa ho ahwɛhwɛ ketewa. Sɛdeɛ obi yɛ wo bere a wobisa emu da hɔ, sɛ ɔde ne nokware bɛhyia wo nokware anaa ɔbɛyɛ nwunu na wahwere, kyerɛ wo pii fa sɛdeɛ ɛbɛyɛ sɛ wobɛtena ho. Daabi a ayamyɛ ne emu da hɔ wɔ mu yɛ akyɛdeɛ. "Ankasa, me nso saa ara" a ɔdɔ wɔ mu no yɛ pa kɛse. Mmuaeɛ a emu nna hɔ no nso yɛ mmuaeɛ, sɛ ɛyɛ deɛ ɛyaw mpo a.

Deɛ ɛbɛba biara, woyɛɛ akokoɔdurusɛm no. Wokaa deɛ ɛyɛ nokware na wobisaa deɛ wuhia. Ɛno yɛ tumi a ɛnya ahoɔden bere biara a wode di dwuma.

Sɛ ehu no kɛse sen bere no

Nnipa bi deɛ, ehu a ɛfa saa nkɔmmɔdie yi ho yɛ den sen sɛdeɛ tebea no hia. Ehu a ɛmia bere a wodwen sɛ wɔbɛhunu wo, gyidie sɛ sɛ wopɛ biribiara a wɔbɛgyaw wo, su a wode yɛ komm wɔ abusuabɔ akyi abusuabɔ kɔsi sɛ abufuhyeɛ bɛkasa ama wo. Sɛ ɛno te sɛ deɛ wonim a, ebia ɔhaw no mfa onipa yi ho kɛse, na mmom ɛfa anansesɛm dada bi a wode kɔ ɔdɔ mu ho.

Ɛno yɛ adeɛ pa sɛ wode bɛkɔ ayaresani hɔ. Ɛnyɛ sɛ biribi ayɛ wo bɔne, na mmom esiane sɛ wobetumi ayɛ saa nneyɛeɛ yi ho biribi, na ɛnsɛ sɛ wo nko ara wosane mu. Sɛ ahokyere no atrɛw atra mpɛnatwe kɔ wo nna, wo aduane, anaa wo ho a ɛtɔ wo da biara mu a, ɛno nso fata nkɔmmɔdie a wode ne dɔkota anaa ɔfotufoɔ bɛyɛ. Sɛ wopɛ emu da hɔ firi onipa foforɔ ho a, ɛyɛ akwahosan. Sɛ wosua sɛnea wode bi bɛma wo ho, ɛmfa deɛ wɔka kyerɛ wo ho, ɛno na ebia ɛbɛsesa biribiara.

Wowɔ kwan sɛ wopɛ deɛ wopɛ. Sɛ woka no kɛse na ɛma wohunu nnipa a wɔn nso pɛ saa ara.

Nsɛm a wɔnyaeɛ firii

• American Psychological Association, Happy couples: How to keep your relationship healthy
• The Gottman Institute, Effective Communication in a Relationship: 5 Ways to Communicate Better
• Neural Plasticity (PubMed Central), From Uncertainty to Anxiety: How Uncertainty Fuels Anxiety in a Process Mediated by Intolerance of Uncertainty