Ka ʻē ʻana mālie: ka hopu ʻana i ka mokuʻāina ma mua o ka lōʻihi loa

ʻAʻole kekahi e kau i ka manawa e hoʻōki ai lāua i ke kiʻi ʻana i kekahi i kekahi. He kakaikahi ka hakakā e wehewehe ai. Akahai mau ʻolua. Māhele mau ʻolua i nā hana hale a hoʻomanaʻo i nā hālāwai niho a hiamoe ma ka moe hoʻokahi. Mai waho, a mai loko nō hoʻi, ua maikaʻi ka pilina.

A laila i kekahi pō, ʻike ʻoe ʻaʻole hiki iā ʻoe ke hoʻomanaʻo i ke kamaʻilio ʻiʻo hope loa a ʻolua i loaʻa ai. ʻAʻole nā loina hana. ʻAʻole ʻo wai ka mea e kiʻi i nā keiki a he aha ka mea ʻai no ke ahiahi. He kamaʻilio ʻiʻo, ke ʻano e ʻōlelo ai kekahi o ʻolua i kekahi mea ʻoiaʻiʻo a hilinaʻi mai kekahi.

ʻO ia āwāwa ka mea a mākou e ʻōlelo nei he ʻē mālie. He lohi, he maʻamau, a hiki ke hoʻihoʻi inā ʻoe e hopu i ka manawa. ʻO ka mea paʻakikī, ʻaʻole loa ia e haʻi iā ia iho.

No ke aha ʻo ka neʻe lohi ka mea weliweli

Manaʻo kākou e hana ʻia a haki ʻia paha nā pilina e nā mea nui. Ka moekolohe, ka hakakā uā, ka kumakaia. Hana ʻiʻo kēlā. Akā ʻo ka noiʻi no ka mea e wānana ʻiʻo ai inā e noho pū nā kāne wahine, kuhikuhi ia i kahi ʻano ʻoi aku ka mālie.

Ma kona keʻena noiʻi ma Seattle, ua hoʻolōʻihi ka loea olakino noʻonoʻo ʻo John Gottman i nā ʻanahulu he nui i ka nānā ʻana i nā kāne wahine e launa ana a laila ukali aku iā lākou no nā makahiki e ʻike ai ʻo wai ka mea e mau. ʻO ka mea i hoʻokaʻawale i nā kāne wahine i noho kokoke mai ka poʻe i kaʻawale, ʻaʻole ia ko lākou ʻano hakakā. ʻO ia ko lākou pane ʻana i kekahi i kekahi ma nā kekona maʻamau, poina. Nānā aʻe kekahi mai ka pā holoi a ʻōlelo, "E nānā i kēlā manu." Nānā kekahi. A i ʻole.

Kapa ʻo Gottman i kēia mau kiʻi liʻiliʻi he "bids for connection" (nā kiʻi no ka pilina), a kapa ʻo ia i ka pane he "huli i" a "huli mai." He maopopo loa nā helu. Ma kona keʻena, ʻo nā kāne wahine i noho hauʻoli pū, ua huli lākou i nā kiʻi a kekahi i kekahi ma kahi o 86 pākēneka o ka manawa. ʻO nā kāne wahine i kaʻawale ma hope, ua huli wale lākou i kekahi i kekahi ma kahi o 33 pākēneka o ka manawa. Nā manawa liʻiliʻi like. He mau wā e hiki mai ana ʻokoʻa loa.

ʻO ia ka mīkini o ka ʻē mālie. ʻAʻohe "e nānā i kēlā manu" hoʻokahi i mālama ʻole ʻia he koʻikoʻi. Akā ʻo nā tausani o ia mau mea, i hoʻāhu ʻia ma nā makahiki, aʻo ia i nā kānaka ʻelua ʻaʻole loaʻa kekahi mea i ke kiʻi ʻana aku. No laila hoʻōki lākou i ke kiʻi. Ke ʻano lā ka hāmau e hahai ana me he mālie. ʻOi aku kona kokoke i ka pōloli.

He aha ke ʻano ʻiʻo o ka neʻe

He maʻalea ka mokuʻāina no ka mea ʻaʻole ia e like me ka paio. He pinepine ke ʻano like me ka maluhia. Eia kekahi o nā hōʻailona mālie e pono e nānā, i loko ou a ma waena o ʻolua:

• Ua emi kā ʻolua mau kamaʻilio i nā loina hana wale. Nā papa manawa, nā pila, ka ʻīlio, nā mākua hūnōai. Ke holo maikaʻi nei ka papa hoʻokele o ke ola like, a ʻaneʻane ʻaʻohe mea ʻē aʻe e ʻōlelo ʻia ana.
• Ua hoʻomaka ʻoe e haʻi i nā mea i kekahi poʻe ʻē āu i haʻi mua aku ai i kāu hoa. He hoaaloha, he hoa hana, he kaikaina e lohe ana i nā lono maikaʻi a me nā lono ʻino ma mua o lākou.
• Manaʻo mehameha ʻoe ma ka lumi hoʻokahi. Pili ke kino, akā aia nā naʻau ma kahi ʻē. Hiki i kēia mehameha ke ʻeha aku ma mua o ka noho mehameha ʻiʻo.
• Ua pio ka niele. Manaʻo ʻoe ua ʻike mua ʻoe i kā lākou e ʻōlelo ai, no laila hoʻōki ʻoe i ka nīnau ʻana. Hana lākou i ka mea like.
• Ua lilo ka pā ʻana i mea hana wale a i mea kakaikahi. He lima e hala ana ma ka poʻohiwi, he ʻapo ʻiʻo, nā aloha kino liʻiliʻi, lahilahi ia me ka hoʻoholo ʻole o kekahi.
• Ke mālama mālie nei ʻoe i ka helu. Ke hōʻuluʻulu nei ka ukiuki ma hope, akā ʻaʻole ia he leo nui i kēia manawa e hakakā ai.

ʻAʻole kekahi o kēia he hōʻoia o kekahi mea ma kona ʻano ponoʻī. Hele kēlā me kēia pilina lōʻihi ma nā lōʻihi o ka mamao, ʻoi aku ma lalo o ke kaumaha, he pēpē hou, he kau hana ʻino, he maʻi, he kanikau. ʻO ka nīnau, he kau anei ka mamao a he ala paha.

Ke kumukūʻai o ka hoʻohālike ua maikaʻi

He hoʻowalewale e kali a hala. Ke mālie nei nā mea. No ke aha e ʻō ai? Akā ʻaʻole he kūʻokoʻa ka mamao naʻau, a ʻaʻole ia e noho wale i loko o kou mau manaʻo.

Ua loaʻa i kekahi noiʻi lōʻihi no nā kāne wahine male ʻelemakule ua hahai ka mehameha i loko o ka male me ke olakino kino ʻino aku no nā mea ʻelua, me nā ana i hoʻopaʻa ʻia i ke kō o ke koko a me ke olakino aʻalele. He mea koʻikoʻi, ua pale kekahi pilina ikaika, kākoʻo i kēlā hopena. ʻAʻole ka pili ʻana he waiwai e kau ana ma luna o ka male. Ke hana ʻiʻo nei ia i ka hana pale no nā kino ʻelua, ʻaʻole wale no nā puʻuwai ʻelua.

Aia kekahi kumukūʻai mālie aʻe. Ke hoʻōki nā kānaka ʻelua i ka huli ʻana i kekahi i kekahi, lilo ka pilina i kona mau waihona. Kuhikuhi ka hana a Gottman i kekahi ʻano palapala kaulike naʻau: mālama nā kāne wahine kūpaʻa, hauʻoli i kahi mea like me ʻelima launa maikaʻi no kēlā me kēia launa ʻino i ka wā paio. ʻO ia mau waiho liʻiliʻi o kēlā me kēia lā o ka mehana a me ka nānā, ʻo ia ka mea a kahi pilina e hoʻolilo ai ke hōʻea ʻiʻo mai kahi hakakā ʻiʻo. E ʻae i ka waihona e maloʻo i nā makahiki mālie, a ʻaʻohe mea a ka ʻino koʻikoʻi mua e huki ai.

Pehea e hoʻomaka ai e huli hou i kekahi i kekahi

ʻO ka lono maikaʻi i loko o kēia a pau, ʻo ia ka liʻiliʻi o ka hoʻoponopono. Inā ua hana ʻia ka pōʻino ma nā manawa liʻiliʻi, hana ʻia hoʻi ka hoʻōla ma nā manawa liʻiliʻi. ʻAʻole pono iā ʻoe i kahi kamaʻilio nui a he hoʻomaha hopena pule e hoʻomaka ai. Pono ʻoe e hoʻomaka hou e nānā i nā kiʻi, ko lākou a me kāu ponoʻī.

He mau wahi e hoʻomaka ai:

E hopu i ke kiʻi aʻe a pane. No hoʻokahi lā, e nānā wale i ka wā e kiʻi ai kāu hoa, he ʻōlelo, he kanikau, he ʻōlelo i hapa wale, he moʻolelo no kona lā. A laila e pane iā ia me he mea koʻikoʻi lā. E waiho i ke kelepona. E nānā i luna. E nīnau i ka nīnau hahai. ʻAʻole ʻoe e hoʻoponopono nei i kekahi mea. Ke hōʻea wale nei ʻoe no ka manawa liʻiliʻi.

E nīnau i hoʻokahi nīnau ʻiʻo i kēlā me kēia lā. ʻAʻole "Pehea ka hana?" e kono ana i "Maikaʻi." E hoʻāʻo i "He aha ka ʻāpana maikaʻi loa o kou lā?" a i ʻole "He aha ka mea ma kou noʻonoʻo i kēia mau lā?" ʻO ka manaʻo, ʻo ia ka niele ʻiʻo no kekahi kanaka āu i hoʻoholo ai ua ʻike mua ʻoe. ʻAʻole ʻoe e ʻike piha. ʻAʻole loa kekahi e pau.

E hoʻihoʻi i kahi loina liʻiliʻi. ʻEono minuke ma ka puka ke haʻalele a hoʻi mai kekahi o ʻolua. He kope pū ma mua o ke ala ʻana o ka hale. He hele wāwae ma hope o ka ʻaina ahiahi me ka ʻole o nā kelepona. ʻO nā loina ke ala e hoʻōki ai ka pilina i ke kau ʻana ma luna o ka makemake a hoʻomaka e holo ma luna o ka maʻa, ma ke ʻano maikaʻi.

E haʻi leo nui i ka mamao, me ka akahai. ʻO kēia ka mea koa. ʻAʻole he hoʻopiʻi, he kono. He mea e like me, "Ua manaʻo mamao iki au mai ou aku nei i kēia mau lā, a ke haʻo nei au iā ʻoe. Hiki anei iā kāua ke hana i kekahi mea no ia?" I ʻōlelo ʻia me ka hoʻāhewa ʻole, he kiʻi ponoʻī kēlā ʻōlelo. ʻO ka pane ʻana o kāu hoa e haʻi nui ai iā ʻoe.

E hoʻohaʻahaʻa i ka pae no ke aloha. ʻAʻole pono ʻoe e manaʻo i kahi puana o ke aloha pili e kau i ka lima ma ke kua o kekahi. Hahai pinepine ka manaʻo i ka hana, ʻaʻole ke ʻano ʻē. E hana mehana a hahai mai ka mehana iā ʻoe.

E nānā ʻaʻole kēia he mea nui. ʻO ia ka manaʻo holoʻokoʻa. ʻO nā kāne wahine e noho kokoke ana, ʻaʻole lākou ka poʻe me nā ahi lele mau. ʻO lākou ka poʻe i hoʻomau i ka pane ʻana i kekahi i kekahi ma nā manawa liʻiliʻi, makahiki ma hope o makahiki, ma hope loa o ka pau ʻana o ke koʻikoʻi mua.

Ke pono iā ʻolua ʻoi aku ma mua o ʻolua

I kekahi manawa ʻoi aku ka laulā o ka āwāwa ma mua o ka mea hiki i ka hoʻoponopono o kēlā me kēia lā, a he pono ke ʻoiaʻiʻo no ia. Inā ua hoʻāʻo ʻolua e huli hou i kekahi i kekahi a hoʻomau i ka kuʻi ʻana i kahi pā. Inā paheʻe kēlā me kēia hoʻāʻo i kahi kamaʻilio ʻiʻo i ka hakakā like a i ka hāmau like. Inā aia ka hoʻowahāwahā ma ka lumi, ka ʻolokaʻa o nā maka a me ka henehene, a i ʻole ka pā pōhaku, kahi e pani piha ai kekahi o ʻolua a hele aku. He mau ʻano kaumaha kēlā, a hiki i kahi kākāʻōlelo no nā kāne wahine i aʻo ʻia ma nā ʻano i kākoʻo ʻia e ka noiʻi ke kōkua ma kahi ʻano ʻaʻole hiki i ka makemake ikaika.

ʻAʻole ke kiʻi ʻana i ke kōkua koke he hōʻailona ke hāʻule nei ka pilina. ʻO ia kekahi o nā mea ikaika loa hiki i nā kānaka kūpaʻa ʻelua ke hana, a ʻoi aku ka maikaʻi o kona hana ma mua o ka paʻakikī ʻana o nā makahiki o ka ukiuki.

He ʻōlelo kaʻawale a koʻikoʻi aʻe. Inā komo i kāu pilina kekahi pōʻino kino, hoʻoweliweli, hoʻomakaʻu, a makaʻu paha, ʻaʻole pili kēia i ka pilina hou, a ʻaʻole pili ka ʻōlelo aʻo o ʻaneʻi. Hele mua kou palekana, a aia nā kānaka i aʻo ʻia e kōkua iā ʻoe e noʻonoʻo me ka malū a me ka hoʻāhewa ʻole.

ʻO ka hapanui o nā pilina i neʻe kaʻawale, ʻaʻole lākou i haki. Ua mālama ʻole wale ʻia, ʻelua kānaka i piha i ka hana a me ka luhi a hoʻōki i ka nānā i luna. ʻO ke kiʻi i hope, ʻano liʻiliʻi pinepine ia ma mua o kou makaʻu. Hoʻomaka pinepine ia me ka hoʻoholo ʻana o kekahi kanaka e nānā, a laila e pane.

Nā kumu

• The Gottman Institute, Want to Improve Your Relationship? Start Paying More Attention to Bids
• The Gottman Institute, The Magic Relationship Ratio, According to Science
• PubMed Central, Loneliness, Marital Quality, and Vascular Health Among Older U.S. Couples: A Longitudinal Dyadic Study