Ka Hānai Keiki ma ke ʻano he Hui: Ke Pili Mau ʻana ma hope o nā Keiki

Ma kekahi wahi o ka makahiki mua me kekahi pēpē hou, loaʻa i ka nui o nā kāne a wāhine kekahi ʻano o ka ʻike like. Ke kū nei ʻolua ma ka lumikuke i ka 9 p.m., paʻa kekahi i ka ʻōmole a pelu kekahi i nā lole liʻiliʻi, a maopopo iā ʻolua ʻaʻole he kamaʻilio maoli iā ʻolua no nā lā. ʻAʻole he hakakā. ʻAʻole he paʻakikī. ʻElua kānaka wale nō e holo ana i ka heihei like, e hāʻawi ana i ke koʻokoʻo, ʻane ʻane ʻike maka.

He maʻamau loa kēlā kaʻawale mālie, a ʻaʻole ia he hōʻailona ua hewa kekahi mea iā ʻoe, kāu hoa pili, a i ʻolua pū. ʻO ke ʻano, ua hala ʻolua ma waena o kekahi o nā loli nui loa e hiki ai i kekahi pilina ke mālama, ka hapanui ʻoiai ua nele i ka hiamoe.

Eia ka ʻāpana ʻaʻohe mea e haʻi iā ʻoe ma ka pāʻina pēpē. Ma kekahi puʻu noiʻi kaulana mai ka Gottman Institute, ʻōlelo ma kahi o ʻelua hapakolu o nā kāne a wāhine i kekahi hāʻule i ka ʻoluʻolu pilina i nā makahiki ʻekolu mua ma hope o ka hiki ʻana o kekahi keiki. Ua loaʻa i kekahi loiloi 2022 i ʻohi pū i nā ʻumi noiʻi ka ʻano like: he hāʻule maoli, hiki ke ana, i ka ʻoluʻolu ma waena o ka makahiki mua ma hope o ka hānau e mau ana i ka lua. No laila, inā ʻano paʻakikī aʻe kāu pilina ma mua, aia ʻoe i waena o ka hapa nui. ʻAʻole ʻoe e hāʻule nei i kēia.

Akā aia kekahi ʻaoʻao ʻē e kūpono ke noho me ia. ʻAʻole i pahē kahi hapakolu o nā kāne a wāhine. Puka kekahi ʻoi aku ka pili kokoke. Ua nānā paʻakikī ka poʻe noiʻi i ka mea i hana ʻokoʻa ai kēlā mau kāne a wāhine, a he hoʻoikaika ka pane, no ka mea, ʻane ʻane ʻaʻohe o ia he laki.

No ke aha e hoʻoluhi ai nā keiki i nā pilina maikaʻi

Kōkua ka ʻike ʻana i ka mea e hana maoli nei, no ka mea, ʻane ʻane ʻaʻole puka ka luhi mai ka nele o ke aloha.

Hiki kekahi pēpē a pahū ka nui holoʻokoʻa o ka hana ma kou home. ʻO ka hānai, ka hoʻololi lole, ka hoʻomaʻalili, ka holoi lole, nā hālāwai kauka, ka papa noʻonoʻo mau o ka mea a ke keiki e pono ai ma hope. He liʻiliʻi wale ka nui ou e hele a puni, no laila ʻo ka mea mua e ʻoki ʻia, ʻo ia pinepine ka mea ʻaʻohe palena manawa: ʻo kekahi i kekahi. Lilo ka pō hoʻolauna i hoʻomanaʻo. ʻEmi nā kamaʻilio lōʻihi a poʻai i nā loina. Pahē pinepine ka pili kino no kekahi manawa pū.

A laila aia ka ukana ʻaʻole hiki iā ʻoe ke ʻike. Ke mālama kekahi i ka home i ka wā e emi ai nā kāwele, ka wā o ka nānā aʻe, ʻo wai ka manawa no ka hānai pō, ua lōʻihi loa anei ka pēpē me ka hiamoe ʻole. Loaʻa i kēlā hana ʻike ʻole o ka manaʻo a me ka mālama kekahi inoa i kēia manawa, ʻo ka mental load, a ʻike mau ka noiʻi e hāʻule paʻa aʻe ia ma luna o hoʻokahi hoa pili, ka makuahine pinepine loa. Ua ʻike kekahi noiʻi o nā mākua hou e haʻahaʻa loa ke kūʻē ʻaʻole i ka wā i wae like pono ʻia nā hana, akā i ka wā i manaʻo ai ke kanaka e kaʻawe ana i ka hapa nui ua kūpono maoli ka wae. ʻO ke kūpono, he mea ia āu e ʻike ai, ʻaʻole he pakuhi wale ma ka pahu hau.

E hoʻouluʻi ka luhi ma luna o ia mea a pau. Pōkole aʻe ke kanaka luhi kekahi i kekahi. Pā ikaika nā mea liʻiliʻi. Ke holo nei ka ʻano ou i ahonui ma luna o nā hola hiamoe ʻehā a me kahi kīʻaha kope anu. ʻAʻohe o kēia e ʻōlelo ua haki ka pilina. ʻO ke ʻano, aia ia i lalo o ka ukana.

Aia kekahi ʻāpana hou e pūʻiwa ai ka nui o nā kāne a wāhine. Ke kanikau paha ʻolua i nā ʻano o kā ʻolua ola kahiko ma nā papa manawa ʻokoʻa, a huhū mālie ʻaʻole ʻike kekahi iā ia ma ke ʻano like. Hoʻomanaʻo kekahi o ʻolua i ke koho wale. Hoʻomanaʻo kekahi i ka ʻike ʻia ma ke ʻano he ʻoi aku ma mua o he makua. ʻAʻole hewa kekahi o ʻolua, a hoʻopalupalu pinepine ke kapa ʻana iā ia ma ka leo iā ia ʻoi aku ka wikiwiki ma mua o ke kali ʻana i kāu hoa pili e heluhelu i kou noʻonoʻo. ʻO ka huhū e hana i ka pōʻino maoli, ʻane ʻane mau ia ke ʻano i ʻōlelo ʻole ʻia.

ʻO ka mea a nā kāne a wāhine e mau ana i hoʻomau ai

I ka nānā ʻana o John a me Julie Gottman i ka mea i hoʻokaʻawale ai i nā kāne a wāhine e pili kokoke mai ka poʻe i pahē, ua liʻiliʻi aʻe ka pane ma mua o kāu manaʻo. ʻAʻole ia he hana nui a he kamaʻilio hemolele. ʻO ia hoʻokahi tausani manawa liʻiliʻi.

Kapa ka Gottman iā lākou he mau bids no ka pili. ʻO kekahi bid kekahi neʻe liʻiliʻi i kāu hoa pili. He kani āu e manaʻolana ai e nīnau lākou no ia. "E nānā i kēia." He lima ma ka poʻohiwi. He hapa hoʻomāʻewaʻewa. He kono liʻiliʻi kēlā me kēia: e ʻike mai iaʻu, e noho me aʻu no kekona. Hiki iā ʻoe ke huli i ona lā, huli aku, a kūʻē paha.

Ma ko lākou keʻena hana, ʻo nā kāne a wāhine e pili mau ana i nā makahiki ma hope, ua huli lākou i nā bids kekahi i kekahi ma kahi o 86 pākēneka o ka manawa. ʻO nā kāne a wāhine i ʻokoʻa ma hope, ua huli i ona lā ma kahi o 33 pākēneka wale nō. ʻO nā manawa liʻiliʻi like. ʻO nā pilina ʻokoʻa loa.

He nūhou maikaʻi maoli kēia no nā mākua, no ka mea, lawe ka huli ʻana i kekahi bid i nā kekona, a ʻaʻole pono iā ʻoe he kahu pēpē a he ahiahi manuahi e hana ai. Ke pau ʻolua i ka luhi a hiamoe ka pēpē, ʻo ke bid paha ʻo kāu hoa pili e ʻōlelo ana "he paʻakikī kēlā i kēia pō." Hiki i ka huli ʻana i ona lā ke liʻiliʻi e like me ke kau ʻana i lalo o kāu kelepona a ʻōlelo "ʻae, ua paʻakikī maoli. Ua maikaʻi paha ʻoe?" He waihona kēlā. Ua nui kēlā mau mea, ʻike ka Gottman, a kūkulu kekahi pilina i kekahi ʻano ahu e lawe iā ia ma waena o nā wā paʻakikī.

Nā neʻe liʻiliʻi e kūpono maoli i ke ola o kekahi makua

ʻAʻohe o ka mea e hāʻawi ana i kēia papa iā ʻoe i ʻoi aku ka manawa ma mua ou. ʻAʻole ʻo ka manaʻo ka hoʻohui i ka puʻu. ʻO ia ka hoʻolilo ʻana i nā ʻāpana o ka nānā āu i loaʻa ai ʻoi aku ka manaʻo.

• Ke kīkoʻo kāu hoa pili iā ʻoe me kekahi ʻōhumu a nānā liʻiliʻi, e hoʻāʻo e ʻapo iā ia. ʻO ka "e haʻi mai iaʻu i kekona, makemake au e lohe" luhi, helu nō ia. ʻOi aku ke koʻikoʻi o ka ʻapo ʻana ma mua o ka manawa.
• E ʻōlelo i nā mahalo ma ka leo. "Mahalo no ke hānai ʻana i ke kīʻapa mua." "Ua maikaʻi loa ʻoe me ia." Ke noho kekahi pilina i lalo o ka ukana, noʻonoʻo ʻia nā mea mehana akā ʻōlelo ʻole ʻia. E ʻōlelo iā lākou.
• E kamaʻilio no ka ukana me ka ʻoiaʻiʻo, ma mua o ka paʻa ʻana o ka huhū. ʻAʻole "ʻaʻole loa ʻoe e kōkua," ka mea e hoʻomaka ai i kekahi hakakā, akā "Ke kaʻawe nei au i ka nui o ka hoʻolālā i loko o koʻu poʻo a ke ʻai nei ia iaʻu. Hiki iā kāua ke nānā iā ia pū?" E ʻimi i kekahi wae āu e manaʻo ai he kūpono, ʻaʻole ka mea like loa ma ke ʻano helu.
• E mālama i hoʻokahi loina liʻiliʻi nāu wale. He ʻumi minuke kope ma mua o ke ala ʻana o ka home. He hele wāwae me ke kaʻa pēpē e kamaʻilio ai ʻolua no kekahi mea ʻē o ka pēpē. ʻAʻole pono ia e lōʻihi e helu ai.
• E hoʻohaʻahaʻa i ke kaupaona me ka manaʻo. Hiki i nā kīʻaha ʻai ke kali. ʻAʻole ʻo ka noho pū ʻana ma ka noho lōʻihi no ka ʻumikūmālima minuke mālie he palaualelo. He mālama ia.
• He hoʻopā ʻaʻole pili i ka hana. He pūliki e lōʻihi i kekahi mau kekona aʻe ma mua o ka maʻamau, he lima i paʻa ʻia ma ka kalaiwa. Hele pinepine ka pili kino mua a hoʻi lohi loa, a kōkua nā neʻe liʻiliʻi e ulana i ka hakahaka.

ʻAʻole ʻoe e hana hemolele i kēia, a ʻaʻole pono ʻoe. ʻO nā kāne a wāhine e pili kokoke ana, ʻaʻole ʻo lākou ka poʻe ʻaʻole e hala i kekahi bid. ʻO lākou ka poʻe e kīkoʻo pinepine kekahi i kekahi, a hoʻi i ka wā i ʻōkiki a anu ai lākou. ʻO "Ua ʻino au iā ʻoe ma mua, ke mihi nei au, ua luhi loa wale nō au" hoʻoponopono ia ʻoi aku ma mua o kāu manaʻo.

E lilo i hui e kūʻē i ka pilikia, ʻaʻole kekahi i kekahi

ʻO kekahi hoʻololi e ʻokoʻa aʻe ma mua o kekahi loina hoʻokahi: ka hoʻoholo ʻana, ma ka leo, ʻo ʻolua ma ka ʻaoʻao like. ʻAʻole ʻo kāu hoa pili ka ʻenemi. ʻO ia ka luhi, ka papa-hana, ka colic, ka pō lōʻihi e hiki mai ana. Ke hewa kekahi mea i ka 3 a.m., maʻalahi ka hoʻomaka ʻana e helu, ʻo wai ka mea i hana nui, ʻo wai i hiamoe, ʻo wai ka manawa. Huli mālie kēlā helu ʻana iā ʻolua i mau hoa kūʻē.

Hana nā hoa hui i kekahi mea ʻokoʻa. Nānā kekahi i kekahi. "He aha kāu e pono ai i kēia pō?" Hoʻololi lākou me ka helu ʻole. Manaʻo lākou ke hoʻāʻo nei kekahi, ʻoiai ʻaʻole ia e pā. Ke lilo maoli ʻolua i hui, he mea kekahi pō paʻakikī e ola pū ai ma kahi o kekahi mea a kekahi o ʻolua e hana ai i kekahi.

ʻO kēia kekahi o nā mea kōkua loa āu e hiki ai ke hōʻailona no kāu keiki, ʻoiai he pōmaikaʻi kēlā, ʻaʻole ka manaʻo. ʻApo nā keiki i ke aniau o ka home. He ʻāpana ke koʻolua paʻa a lokomaikaʻi o ka mea e palekana ai lākou, lōʻihi ma mua o ko lākou hiki ke wehewehe i ke kumu.

ʻAʻole pau ka huki me nā makahiki pēpē

Maʻalahi ke heluhelu i kēia a pau ma ke ʻano he pilikia o ka ʻohu pēpē hou, kekahi mea e maʻema ai i ka hiamoe ʻana o nā mea a pau i ka pō. ʻO ka wā mua ka mea koʻikoʻi loa. Akā ʻo ka huki mālie i ka lilo ʻana i mau kahu hoʻokele home ma kahi o nā hoa pili, ʻaʻole ia e pau i ka pau ʻana o nā kāwele. Hoʻololi wale ia i ke ʻano.

Me nā keiki ʻuʻuku a keiki kula, hoʻonui nā loina. Nā haʻuki, ka kiʻi kula, nā pāʻina lā hānau, nā lā maʻi, ke kani haʻahaʻa mau o ʻowai ke uhi i ke aha. ʻO ka pōʻino ma kēia wā, ʻoi aku ka mālie ma mua o ka luhi. ʻO ia ka maʻema. Lilo loa ʻolua i ka holo ʻana i ka ʻohana ma ke ʻano he hui a poina ʻolua e lilo i koʻolua i loko ona. Hiki iā ʻolua ke hoʻolilo i nā makahiki he mau hoa hui maikaʻi a mālie i mau malihini.

Loaʻa i ka loiloi i kuhikuhi i ka ʻoluʻolu ʻaʻole i lele hou ka hāʻule ma kona ala iho ma hope o kekahi makahiki. Mau ia. ʻAʻole ia he kumu no ka kaumaha. He kumu ia e mālama i ka pili ma ke ʻano he mea āu e mālama mau ai, e like me kou hoʻoinu ʻana i kekahi mea kanu, ma kahi o kekahi mea āu e hoʻoponopono hoʻokahi a poina. ʻO nā kāne a wāhine e maikaʻi ana i ka lōʻihi, ʻo lākou ka poʻe e kīkoʻo mau ana, e ʻōlelo mau ana i ka mea lokomaikaʻi, e mālama ana i kahi manawa liʻiliʻi, makahiki ma hope o makahiki. ʻAʻole pau nā loina. ʻAʻole pau ka uku.

Inā loaʻa hoʻokahi hoʻololi manaʻo e lawe ai mai kēia a pau, ʻo ia ʻaʻole i hoʻopaʻa ʻia ka pilina a hiki i ka ulu ʻana o nā keiki. ʻO nā makahiki i piha ai kou mau lima, ʻo ia ka pilina. ʻO ka pili āu e kūkulu ai i loko o lākou, ma nā ʻāpana a me nā manawa liʻiliʻi, ʻo ia ka mea i hana maoli ʻia ai kāu ʻohana.

I ka wā ʻoi aku ma mua o ka paʻakikī maʻamau

He wā paʻakikī i manaʻo ʻia ma hope o kekahi pēpē. Akā ʻo kekahi mau mea, kūpono lākou i ʻoi aku ma mua o ke ahonui a me kekahi kamaʻilio maikaʻi.

Inā ke pilikia kekahi o ʻolua me ka ʻoi aku ma mua o ka luhi maʻamau, ke kaumaha paʻa, ka manaʻolana ʻole, ka piʻihau ʻaʻole e hoʻomaha, a i ʻole ka manaʻo ʻole ʻo ʻoe iho i nā pule a mahina ma hope o ka hānau, he mea kūpono e lawe koʻikoʻi a lawe i ke kauka. He maʻamau a olaola ka postpartum depression a me ka piʻihau, a pā lākou i nā makua hānau a me nā makua hānau ʻole. ʻAʻole lākou he hewa ʻano a ʻaʻole he mea e hoʻomanawanui wale ai iā ʻoe wale nō.

A inā ʻaʻole hoʻomaha ka kaʻawale ma waena o ʻolua, inā hoʻi mau ka hakakā like, inā ua komo ka hoʻowahāwahā a i ʻole ka pā pōhaku, a i ʻole ʻaʻole hiki iā ʻolua ke ʻimi i ke ala hoʻi i kekahi i kekahi, ʻaʻole ʻo ke kahu olakino noʻonoʻo kāne a wāhine he hōʻailona ua hāʻule ʻolua. ʻO ia kekahi o nā mea olaola loa āu e hiki ai ke hana. ʻO ka ʻimi kōkua ma ka wā mua, ʻoiai he mehana i koe e kūkulu ai, hana maikaʻi aʻe ia ma mua o ke kali a hiki i ka ʻane ʻane kamaʻilio ʻole.

ʻO ka wā o ka liʻiliʻi o kāu mau keiki, ʻo ia maoli kekahi o nā wā paʻakikī loa i kekahi pilina, a ʻo kekahi o nā wā maʻamau loa e paʻakikī ai. ʻAʻole nalo ka pili āu e nele nei. Aia pinepine ia e kali ana i nā manawa liʻiliʻi, nā mea hiki iā ʻoe ke kīkoʻo i kēia pō, ʻoiai kou luhi.

Nā Kumu

• The Gottman Institute, Romantic Relationships Take a Dive After Baby Arrives (According to Research)
• The Gottman Institute, Want to Improve Your Relationship? Start Paying More Attention to Bids
• Frontiers in Psychology, Transition to Parenthood and Marital Satisfaction: A Meta-Analysis
• PubMed Central, Division of Household and Childcare Labor and Relationship Conflict Among Low-Income New Parents