Ka hānai pū ʻana ma hope o ka haʻalele a i ka male ʻoki

Ua pau ka pilina. ʻAʻole ka hānai.

ʻO ia ke ʻano ʻē o ia mea. Ua hoʻopau ʻoe i nā mea, no nā kumu kūpono paha, ma hope paha o ka hemo lohi lōʻihi, a i kēia manawa ke kū nei ʻoe i loko o ka neoneo me ka paʻa ʻana i kahi kālena āu e kaʻana like ai me ke kanaka hoʻokahi āu i hoʻāʻo ai e haʻalele. Nā lā hānau. Nā kiʻi ʻana mai ke kula. Na wai ka lāʻau no ke kunu. Inā ʻae ʻia lākou e nānā i kēlā hōʻike. Manaʻo ʻia ʻo ka haʻalele he hopena, a ma nā ʻano he nui ʻo ia nō. Akā he keiki kāu, no laila he hoʻomaka ia o kekahi mea ʻē aʻe, he pilina hana maʻamau, mau no nā ʻumi makahiki me ke kanaka āu i aloha ʻole ai a makemake ʻole paha.

ʻAʻohe mea e hāʻawi iā ʻoe i kahi puke aʻo no ia. No laila e kamaʻilio pololei kākou no ia.

Ka mea koʻikoʻi loa

Inā ʻaʻole ʻoe e hoʻomanaʻo i kekahi mea ʻē aʻe ma ʻaneʻi, e hoʻomanaʻo i kēia. No ka nui o nā keiki, hele mai ka ʻeha mau mai ka hakakā a puni ka haʻalele ma mua o ka haʻalele ponoʻī.

ʻO ia kekahi o nā ʻike kūpaʻa loa o kēia ʻāpana holoʻokoʻa o ka noiʻi. ʻŌlelo pololei ka American Psychological Association, e haʻi ana i nā mākua e mālama i ka hakakā mai nā keiki aku a kuhikuhi ʻo ka hapa nui o nā keiki e hoʻololi maikaʻi i loko o ka ʻelua makahiki o kahi male ʻoki. ʻOi aku ka maikaʻi o ka nui ma hope ma mua o ko lākou ola ʻana i loko o kahi male hakakā nui pau ʻole. E heluhelu hou i kēlā inā pono ʻoe. ʻO ʻelua mākua e kaua ana, me ke keiki i hopu ʻia i waena o ke ahi, ka mea e hana maoli ai i ka ʻeha. ʻO ka haʻalele ponoʻī, i mālama ʻia me kekahi akahele, he mea ia e hala ai ka hapa nui o nā keiki.

Wehewehe kahi nānā ma ka puke nūpepa ʻo Frontiers in Psychology i ke ʻano o ia ahi mai ka ʻaoʻao o ke keiki. I ka ʻike ʻia ʻana o nā keiki i nā pae kiʻekiʻe o ka hakakā ma waena o ko lākou mau mākua, manaʻo lākou ʻaʻole hiki ke neʻe kokoke i kekahi makua me ke kumakaia ʻole i kekahi. Kapa lākou i kēia ʻo ka hakakā kūpaʻa (loyalty conflict). E noʻonoʻo i kou ʻewalu makahiki a me ke aloha ʻana i ʻelua kānaka hiki ʻole ke noho i ka lumi hoʻokahi, a me ka manaʻo ʻo kēlā me kēia pūliki āu e hāʻawi ai i kekahi he kumakaia liʻiliʻi i kekahi. He kūlana hiki ʻole kēlā. ʻO nā keiki i paʻa i loko ona no nā makahiki, hāpai pinepine lākou i ke kaumaha noʻonoʻo a kino maoli.

No laila ʻaʻole ʻo ka pahuhopu o ka hānai pū ka lilo ʻana i hoaaloha. E lilo paha ʻolua i kekahi lā, a ʻaʻole paha, a maikaʻi nō kēlā. ʻO ka pahuhopu ʻano pōkole aku a hiki ke kiʻi. E hoʻēmi i ka hakakā e ola ai kāu keiki i loko. He kikoʻī nā mea ʻē aʻe a pau.

ʻAʻole he ʻelele, he kiu, a he uao kāu keiki

Aia kahi pūʻulu kikoʻī o nā maʻa e hana nui i ka ʻeha, a kiʻi ka hapa nui o kākou i hoʻokahi o lākou me ka manaʻo ʻole, ʻoi loa i ka hoʻomaka i ko mākou ʻeha a huhū.

• Ka hoʻouna ʻana i nā memo ma o kāu keiki. "E haʻi i kou makua kāne he ʻaiʻē kāna iaʻu no ka huakaʻi kula." Kani ʻepekema. I kāu keiki kani ia me he kāomi ʻia ma waena o ʻelua kānaka āna e aloha ai. Pololei ke aʻo a Cleveland Clinic no ia: e mālama i nā mea me ke makua ʻē aʻe pololei, ʻaʻole ma o ke keiki.
• Ke noi ʻana i kāu keiki e hōʻike no ka home ʻē aʻe. Na wai i kipa, he aha kā lākou ʻai, inā loaʻa kahi hoa pili hou. Aʻo wikiwiki kāu keiki he weliweli ka ʻike, a hoʻomaka lākou e mālama iā ʻoe ma kahi o ka noho keiki wale.
• Ka hōʻino ʻana i ke makua ʻē aʻe ma kahi e lohe ai kāu keiki. He mahu, he leo, he ʻōhumu ʻana "e poina paha ʻo ia." Lohe nā keiki iā ia ma ke ʻano he ʻōlelo no ka hapalua o ko lākou ʻano.

Wehewehe ka American Academy of Pediatrics i ke ʻano olakino penei: e kākoʻo nā mākua, ma kahi o ka hoʻohaʻahaʻa, i ka mana hānai o kekahi, a e mālama i ke keiki mai ka hakakā aku i ka nui hiki. ʻAʻole pono ʻoe e manaʻo e hana maikaʻi ana ke makua ʻē aʻe. Pono wale ʻoe e mālama i kāu keiki ma waho o ka waena o kēlā manaʻo.

He paʻakikī kēia. He paʻakikī maoli ke nahu i kou alelo i kou huhū a ua loaʻa i ke kanaka ʻē aʻe, i kou manaʻo, kēlā me kēia huaʻōlelo ʻoi. E hana naʻe iā ia, no ke kanaka liʻiliʻi hoʻokahi e aloha ai iā ʻolua.

ʻElua home, hoʻokahi pana kūpaʻa

ʻOi aku ka maikaʻi o ka hana ʻana o nā keiki i ka loli i ke kūpaʻa o ka honua ma lalo o lākou. Ma hope o kahi haʻalele, ua neʻe ka nui o ko lākou honua. ʻO ka mea pale loa āu e hoʻihoʻi ai, ʻo ia ka hana maʻamau.

ʻAʻole ia e ʻōlelo ana pono nā home ʻelua e like loa. ʻAʻole lāua e like. ʻOi aku ka paʻa o kekahi makua no nā pale kiʻi, hana kekahi i nā paniponi i ka Lāpule, loaʻa i kekahi ka noho maikaʻi. He hiki ke hala a he maikaʻi nō kēlā ʻano like ʻole. ʻO ka mea e kōkua ai, ʻo ia ka kūlike ma nā mea e hoʻopaʻa ai i ka lā o ke keiki:

1. He papa manawa maopopo, hilinaʻi, i ʻike mau ai kāu keiki i kahi e hiamoe ai a i ka manawa e ʻike hou ai i kēlā me kēia makua. He ʻano kaumaha ponoʻī ka maopopo ʻole. Lawe mālū kahi kālena hiki ke wānana i kēlā kaumaha mai luna o lākou.
2. Nā lula nui e kūlike ana, ʻoi loa nā manawa hiamoe, nā manaʻo no ka haʻawina home, a me ka palekana. Hiki i nā mea o kēlā me kēia lā ke ʻokoʻa. Hele maikaʻi aku ka mea koʻikoʻi i ka loli ʻole ma waena o nā home.
3. Nā hāʻawi ʻana maʻalahi. ʻO ka hoʻololi ma waena o nā home ka wahi pinepine o ka pahū. E mālama iā ia i pōkole, kūʻokoʻa, a i ka manawa. Inā paʻakikī loa ke kū maka i kēia manawa, e hāʻawi aku ma ke kula a hoʻohana i kekahi kanaka ʻekolu, a mālama i ka hoʻolālā no ka memo.

Kuhikuhi ka American Academy of Pediatrics i kēia pololei: hana maikaʻi aku nā keiki i ka manawa e kamaʻilio mau ai nā mākua a hāʻawi i nā lula kūlike ma nā home. ʻAʻole ʻoe e hoʻāʻo nei e hoʻohui hou i ʻelua home i hoʻokahi. Ke hoʻāʻo nei ʻoe e hana i ke alapiʻi ma waena o lāua i palekana ke hele.

E kamaʻilio kekahi i kekahi me he hoa hana, ʻaʻole me he hoa kahiko

Eia kahi hoʻololi manaʻo e kōkua nui i nā kānaka. Ke holo pū nei ʻolua i kahi hui liʻiliʻi loa, koʻikoʻi loa, a ʻo kāna huahana hoʻokahi, ʻo ia he keiki i aloha nui ʻia. No laila e kamaʻilio e like me kāu kamaʻilio ʻana me kahi hoa hana paʻakikī ma kahi papahana koʻikoʻi loa e hāʻule ʻole ai.

ʻO ia hoʻi:

• E mālama no ke keiki. Ka hoʻolālā, ke kula, ke olakino, nā papa manawa. Ua pani ka pilina; ʻaʻole pono ʻoe e wehe hou iā ia i kēlā me kēia kamaʻilio.
• E kākau i ka manawa e piʻi ai nā manaʻo. ʻOi aku kahi kālena i kaʻana like ʻia a me nā memo pōkole, ʻoiaʻiʻo ma mua o nā hakakā ola. Hāʻawi ke kākau iā ʻoe i kahi puʻu e mālie ma mua o kou kaomi ʻana i ka hoʻouna, a waiho ia i kahi moʻolelo maopopo e nānā ai nā mea a pau.
• E ʻano hoa hana, ʻaʻole wela a ʻaʻole anuanu. ʻO "Ke hōʻoia nei i ke kiʻi ʻana i ka hola 5 o ka Pōʻalima" he memo holoʻokoʻa a maikaʻi loa. ʻAʻole he ʻaiʻē kāu i ka hoaaloha, a ʻaʻole pono ʻoe e hōʻike i ka huhū.

He mau lā e hana lokomaikaʻi ai ʻoe i kēia. He mau lā e hoʻouna ʻoe i ka memo ʻino a minamina. ʻO ke kanaka wale nō ia. ʻO ka pahuhopu ka wela haʻahaʻa aku ma waena o nā makahiki o ka ulu ʻana o kāu keiki i loko ona, ʻaʻole he moʻolelo maikaʻi loa.

I ka hiki ʻole iā ʻolua ke hana pū, hiki ke kū kaʻawale

Manaʻo nā mea a pau ma luna hiki iā ʻolua me ke makua hānai pū ke kamaʻilio me ka lilo ʻole i hakakā. I kekahi manawa ʻaʻole ʻo ia ko ʻolua wahi, ʻaʻole naʻe. ʻO ka nūhou maikaʻi, ʻaʻole ka hana pū wale nō ka mea e mālama ai i nā keiki. Hiki nō i ke kaʻawale.

Aia kahi ala i kapa pinepine ʻia ʻo ka hānai like (parallel parenting), a he kūpono ke ʻike no ia. Ma kahi o ka hoʻāʻo ʻana e hoʻonohonoho pū, holo kēlā me kēia o ʻolua i kona home ponoʻī, kona ala ponoʻī, me ka pili pololei iki e like me ka mea e ʻae ʻia e ka hoʻolālā. E ʻae ʻolua i nā mea nui, hiki ʻole ke hoʻololi ma ke kākau, ka papa manawa, ka mālama olakino, ke kula, a laila e noho ʻolua ma waho o ka ala o kekahi ma nā mea ʻē aʻe a pau. ʻAʻohe hoʻoholo pū no nā manawa hiamoe. ʻAʻohe ʻōlelo no ka home ʻē aʻe. Emi ke kamaʻilio i nā memo pōkole, ʻoiaʻiʻo, pinepine ma o kahi app a kālena i kaʻana like ʻia ma mua o ke kamaʻilio ola.

Hiki ke kani he hāʻule ke kū i hope i kēia mamao. ʻAʻole ia. No ke keiki, ʻoi loa aku ka maikaʻi o ʻelua home mālie, kaʻawale ma mua o hoʻokahi kaua mau ma luna o lāua. Kūpaʻa ka manaʻo o ka noiʻi no kēia: ʻo ka hakakā a ke keiki e ʻike ai ka mea e hana ai i ka ʻeha. Inā e hoʻēmi ka pili ʻana i ka hakakā, ʻo ka hoʻēmi ʻana i ka pili ke neʻe aloha. Hoʻohana ka nui o nā ʻohana i ka hānai like ma ke ʻano he hoʻomaka a wela mālie aʻe i ka hana pū hou aku i ka mālie ʻana o ka ʻeha kahiko. ʻAʻole kekahi a maikaʻi nō kā lākou keiki. He ʻoluʻolu kēlā me kēia.

He ʻōlelo no nā hoa pili hou

I kekahi manawa, e launa hou kekahi a ʻolua paha, a ʻo ia kahi e hoʻāʻo ʻia ai ka maluhia o ka hānai pū. He mau mea e mālama i ke kūpaʻa.

E hāʻawi i kāu keiki i ka manawa, a e hoʻolauna i kahi hoa pili hou me ka mālie ma kahi o ka manawa hoʻokahi. E mālama i kēlā kanaka ma ke ʻano kākoʻo i ka hoʻomaka, ʻaʻole he makua hānai a he mea hoʻopaʻi. A e hoʻāʻo, i ka manawa ʻoi aku kou makemake ʻole, e mālama i kou pane i ka pilina hou o ke makua ʻē aʻe mai kāu keiki aku. ʻAʻole lākou i koho iā ia, a ʻaʻole lākou e mālama i kou mau manaʻo no ia. Pili ke kānāwai like e mālama ana i nā mea a pau ma ʻaneʻi: hiki i kāu keiki ke aloha i nā kānaka o ko lākou ola me ka uku ʻole i kou ʻae.

He aha kāu e ʻōlelo maoli ai i kāu keiki

Hoʻopiha nā keiki i ka mālie me ko lākou manaʻo ponoʻī, a kau pinepine kā lākou manaʻo iā lākou iho ma ke ʻano he kumu. No laila he kūpono ke ʻōlelo i kekahi mau mea me ka leo, ma mua o hoʻokahi manawa, ma nā huaʻōlelo kūpono i ko ʻohana:

• ʻAʻole kāu hewa kēia. E ʻōlelo pololei. Manaʻoʻiʻo mālū nā keiki he pili paha ka haʻalele iā lākou. ʻAʻole, a pono lākou e lohe pololei i kēlā.
• ʻAe ʻia ʻoe e aloha iā māua ʻelua. Ke hāʻawi nei ʻoe iā lākou i ka ʻae maopopo e mālama i nā mākua ʻelua, a hoʻoheheʻe ia i ka pahele kūpaʻa ma mua o kona hiki ke hoʻokumu.
• He maikaʻi kou mau manaʻo. Kaumaha, huhū, huikau, ʻoluʻolu, ʻo ia mau mea a pau. ʻO ka mea kōkua loa āu e hana ai i ke kaumaha o kāu keiki, ʻaʻole ka hoʻohauʻoli iā lākou, ʻo ia ka hoʻolohe a ʻae i ka manaʻo e maoli. ʻO ke aʻo a Cleveland Clinic ma ʻaneʻi, ʻo ia ka hoʻolohe a ʻae ma kahi o ka holo wikiwiki e hoʻoponopono.
• E noho mau ana māua. Ua pau ka pilina ma waena o nā mākua. ʻAʻole i pau ka pilina ma waena o ka makua a me ke keiki. Pono nā keiki i kēlā laina e kaha maopopo a pinepine.

ʻAʻole pono ʻoe i kahi haʻiʻōlelo maikaʻi loa. Pono ʻoe e hiki ke loaʻa, ʻoiaʻiʻo ma nā ʻāpana kūpono i ka makahiki, a kūpaʻa i hiki i kāu keiki ke lawe mai i kona mau hopohopo iā ʻoe ma kahi o ka hāpai hoʻokahi.

E mālama iā ʻoe iho, me ka manaʻo

Kāpae ʻia kēia ʻāpana, a ʻaʻole pono. ʻAʻole hiki iā ʻoe ke ninini i ka mālie i ke ola o kāu keiki mai kahi pahu hakahaka. He nalo maoli ka male ʻoki a haʻalele, me ʻoe ka mea i makemake iā ia, a ʻae ʻia ka uē ʻana iā ia.

E hoʻoneʻe i kou kino. E hilinaʻi i nā hoaaloha e hōʻea mai. E mālama i nā hālāwai, nā ʻai, ka hiamoe. ʻO ke aʻo a ka APA no kahi haʻalele olakino, komo ia i ka mālama ʻana i kou olakino kino a me ke kiʻi ʻana i kāu pūʻulu kākoʻo, ʻaʻole ma ke ʻano he mea momona akā ma ke ʻano he ʻāpana o ka hala ʻana me ke kūpaʻa. I kou kūpaʻa aku, hele maʻalahi aku nā hāʻawi ʻana, puka lokomaikaʻi aku nā memo, a loaʻa i kāu keiki he makua me kekahi mea i koe e hāʻawi ai.

Inā ʻaʻole e māmā ana ke kaumaha, a ʻike ʻoe i ka huhū e kahe ana i kāu keiki me kou hoʻāʻo nui ʻana, he hōʻailona ia e lawe mai i ke kōkua, ʻaʻole he hoʻoholo no ʻoe.

I ka manawa e lawe ai i ke kōkua hou aʻe

Hiki ke ʻike ʻia ka nui o ka hānai pū i kou hele ʻana. ʻAʻole kūpono ke hāpai hoʻokahi i kekahi o ia.

Inā ʻike paʻa ʻia kāu keiki, kaumaha mau, pilikia ma ke kula, neʻe mai nā hoaaloha, hiamoe a ʻono ʻai i ʻano ʻē maopopo, a nā hopohopo e māmā ʻole no nā pule, kūpono ke kamaʻilio me ko lākou kauka keiki a loea keiki. Hiki i ke kūkākūkā mua ke hāʻawi i ke keiki i kahi palekana, kūʻokoʻa e kau ai nā manaʻo ʻaʻole lākou makemake e ninini i kekahi makua.

Inā ʻaʻole hiki iā ʻolua ke hoʻēmi i ka hakakā ma ko ʻolua ʻano ponoʻī, hiki i kahi loea ʻohana, he hoʻonohonoho hānai, a he uao ke kōkua iā ʻolua e kūkulu i kahi ʻano hiki ke hana me ka hoʻohana ʻole i nā keiki ma ke ʻano he pākaukau kūkākūkā. Kuhikuhi ka APA, hele maikaʻi aku ka uao no nā kānaka a pau ma mua o ka hakakā ma ka ʻaha hoʻokolokolo.

A inā pili kekahi ʻāpana o ke kūlana i kou palekana a i ko kāu keiki, nā hoʻoweliweli, ka hoʻomakaʻu, kekahi mea e makaʻu ai ʻoe, e waiho i ke aʻo hana pū a kamaʻilio me kahi loea a kahi kōkua hana ʻino ʻohana kūloko no ke ʻano e mālama ai i nā mea a pau. Manaʻo ka hānai pū hakakā haʻahaʻa i ʻelua kānaka palekana. Inā ʻaʻole ʻo ia ko ʻoe wahi, ʻaʻole kāu hana mua ka maluhia. ʻO ka palekana.

ʻOi aku ka mālie o ke pāʻani lōʻihi ma ʻaneʻi ma mua o kona ʻano i nā pule ʻino loa. ʻAʻole ʻoe e ʻeha mau pēlā. E lilo nā hāʻawi ʻana i kani hiki ʻole ke hāpai i kēia manawa i hana maʻamau. A ʻo ke keiki i waena o ia mea a pau, ka mea nona ke kālena āu e kaʻana like ai me kekahi āu i makemake ʻole ai, loaʻa iā ia ka manawa maoli e ulu kūpaʻa a aloha ʻia, inā hiki iā ʻolua ke mālama i ke kaua mai iā ia aku. ʻO ia ka hana holoʻokoʻa. Ua lawa ia.

Nā kumu

• American Psychological Association, Healthy divorce: How to make your split as smooth as possible
• Cleveland Clinic, How to Help Your Child After a Breakup or Divorce
• American Academy of Pediatrics (HealthyChildren.org), How to Support Children after Their Parents Separate or Divorce
• Frontiers in Psychology (PMC), Healing the Separation in High-Conflict Post-divorce Co-parenting