Nā ʻōlelo aʻo wikiwiki
- E hoʻomaopopo mua i kāu noi maoli.
- E hoʻāʻo i ke ʻike nei au, a makemake au i.
- E hoʻolohe i ko lākou pane maoli, ʻaʻole i kāu.
ʻEkolu pule i hala. ʻEkolu mahina paha. Maikaʻi nā mea, ʻo ka hapa nui, a laila e waiho ʻoe i kāu kelepona a hōʻea mai kahi manaʻo anu liʻiliʻi: he aha māua, ʻoiaʻiʻo? ʻAʻole ʻoe e nīnau. Haʻi ʻoe iā ʻoe iho he wā mua loa, a he nele loa, a i ʻole e poha ka huahekili ke hāpai ʻoe. No laila kali ʻoe. A lilo ka kali ponoʻī i kani haʻahaʻa o ka hopohopo e hahai iā ʻoe i ka lā holoʻokoʻa.
He inoa kapakapa ko kēlā kūkākūkā i kēia manawa. ʻO ka DTR, ka pōkole no ka wehewehe ʻana i ka pilina (define the relationship). ʻO ke kamaʻilio e hoʻōki ai ʻoe i ka koho a ʻōlelo i ka leo nui i kāu makemake i kēia. Weli aneane nā mea a pau iā ia. He pono ke hoʻomaopopo i ka weli, no ka mea, i kou ʻike ʻana i ka mea ma lalo iho, emi ka makaʻu o ke kamaʻilio.
No ke aha ʻo ka ʻike ʻole ka māhele ʻino loa
Eia kahi mea e pīhoihoi ai nā kānaka. ʻAʻole ka makaʻu e pili maoli ana i ka lohe ʻana i ka ʻaʻole. E pili ana i ka ʻike ʻole.
Aia kahi laina noiʻi ikaika no ka mea a nā loea olakino noʻonoʻo e kapa nei he hoʻomanawanui ʻole i ka maopopo ʻole, ka paʻakikī o kekahi o kākou e noho me kahi nīnau hāmama. Ke hiki ʻole i ka lolo ke wānana i ka mea e hiki mai ana, ʻaʻole ia e noho kūʻokoʻa. Hoʻopiha pinepine ʻo ia i ka hakahaka me ka ʻano ʻino loa a mālama i kēlā koho me he ʻoiaʻiʻo lā. Wehewehe kahi loiloi ma ka puke pai *Neural Plasticity* pehea e hoʻohaunaele ai ka maopopo ʻole no kahi hanana e hiki mai ana i ko kākou hiki ke manaʻo mua me ka maluhia, ka mea e kaomi iā kākou e koho nui i ka hiki ʻana o kahi hopena ʻino a me kona ʻino. Lilo ka mea ʻike ʻole i mea weliweli no ka mea ʻike ʻole ʻia.
No laila hiki i kahi "e nānā kāua i kahi e hele nei" ʻano nebulā ke ʻano ʻino aʻe ma mua o kahi pane maopopo āu i aloha ʻole ai. ʻOi aku ka makemake o kou ʻōnaehana naʻau i kahi ʻoiaʻiʻo paʻa ma mua o kahi puka hāmama. No laila ke nīnau hope loa ʻoe, ʻaʻole ʻoe e piliwaiwai i kou maluhia o ka noʻonoʻo. Ma kahi ʻano maoli ke pale nei ʻoe iā ia. Ke hoʻololi nei ʻoe i ke kulu mālie o ka ʻike ʻole no kekahi mea āu e kū maoli ai ma luna.
Ma mua o kou ʻōlelo ʻana i kahi huaʻōlelo
Hana ka manawa kūpono a me kahi ʻoiaʻiʻo iki me ʻoe iho i ka hapa nui o ka hana. He mau mea e hoʻoponopono i kou poʻo ponoʻī ma mua.
E ʻike i kāu mea e noi maoli nei. ʻO ka "E hele ana kēia i hea?" he nīnau paʻakikī ke pane no ka mea ʻaʻole ia he nīnau maoli, he hopohopo e ʻaʻahu ana i ka lole o kahi nīnau. E kūikawā me ʻoe iho. Makemake ʻoe e hoʻōki i ka ʻike ʻana i nā poʻe ʻē aʻe? Makemake ʻoe i kahi inoa? Makemake ʻoe e ʻike inā e ʻike lākou i kahi wā e hiki mai ana, a i ʻole e ʻike wale ʻoe aia ʻolua ma ka ʻaoʻao like no kēia mahina? ʻAʻole pono ʻoe e makemake i kahi apo. Pono naʻe ʻoe e ʻike i kāu noi ponoʻī.
E koho i kahi manawa e maluhia ai ʻolua ʻelua. Ke ʻōlelo aʻo nei ka Gottman Institute, ka mea i hoʻolilo i nā makahiki he nui e aʻo ana pehea e kamaʻilio maoli ai nā hoa pili, e mālama i nā kūkākūkā maoli no nā manawa i kau mālie ai nā manaʻo, ʻaʻole ka wela o kahi manawa a ʻaʻole i ka wā e hele ai kekahi ma ka puka. Mai wehe i ka DTR ma ka leka i ke aumoe a i ʻole i loko o kahi pā lehulehu. He hele wāwae mālie, he kakahiaka lohi, he kalaiwa. Kahi e hiki ai iā ʻolua ke noʻonoʻo.
E hoʻokuʻu i ka palapala alakaʻi kahi āu e mālama ai i ka hopena. Hiki iā ʻoe ke koho i ke ʻano āu e hōʻike ai. ʻAʻole hiki iā ʻoe ke koho i kā lākou makemake. ʻO ka hoʻoholo ʻana ma mua e ʻano maikaʻi ʻoe ma kēlā ʻaoʻao a kēia ʻaoʻao, inā paha lawe ʻo ka "maikaʻi" i kekahi mau lā, e lawe i kahi nui pīhoihoi o ke kaomi mai ka lumi.
Pehea e ʻōlelo maoli ai
ʻO ka pahuhopu he maopopo a mahana, ʻaʻole he ʻaha hoʻokolokolo. ʻAʻole ʻoe e hāʻawi i kahi ʻōlelo hoʻoweli a ʻaʻole ʻoe e mihi no ka loaʻa ʻana o nā pono. Ke ʻōlelo nei ʻoe i ka ʻoiaʻiʻo a kono iā lākou e hana like.
Kuhikuhi ka hana kamaʻilio a Gottman i kahi pahu hopu maʻalahi a paʻa: e hoʻomaka me kou ʻano a me kāu makemake ma kahi o ka mea a lākou i hana hewa ai. ʻO ke ʻano me he mea lā *Ke ʻike nei au i ___, a makemake au i ___.* Mālama ʻo ia i ke kanaka ʻē mai ka hele ʻana i ka pale, no ka mea, ʻaʻohe mea e hoʻopiʻi ʻia no kekahi mea.
No laila ma kahi o ka "No laila e lilo ana paha kāua i mea ʻoihana a he aha?", e hoʻāʻo i:
- "Makemake nui au i ka mea e hana nei ma waena o māua, a ua ʻike au makemake au i kahi mea ʻoi aku ka maopopo. Hiki anei iā kāua ke kamaʻilio i kahi a kēlā me kēia o kāua e ʻike ai i kēia?"
- "Makemake au e ʻoiaʻiʻo me ʻoe. Ke ʻimi nei au i kahi pilina, ʻaʻole he mea māmā, a makemake au e ʻike inā he mea kēlā āu e makemake ai kekahi."
- "ʻAʻole he kaomi no kahi pane i kēia manawa. ʻAʻole wale au e makemake e koho mau, a ʻoi aku koʻu makemake e ʻike ma mua o ka noʻonoʻo niele."
A laila ka mākau paʻakikī aʻe. E hoʻolohe i ka pane maoli, ʻaʻole i ka mea āu i kākau ai ma ke kalaiwa ʻana mai. Ua ʻōlelo pono nā kānaka o Gottman: e hoʻolohe e hoʻomaopopo, ʻaʻole e pane. E hoʻokuʻu iā lākou e hoʻopau. E kūʻē i ka makemake e hoʻopalupalu i kāu noi ponoʻī i ka manawa āu e ʻike ai i kahi kānalua. He pono nā kekona hāmau he liʻiliʻi. E hoʻokuʻu i ka ʻoiaʻiʻo i wahi ea.
Hoʻokahi hoʻololi manaʻo liʻiliʻi e kōkua ai i ka manawa: ʻaʻole ʻoe i loko o kahi hōʻike koho. Ke ʻimi nei ʻoe inā makemake ʻelua kanaka i ka mea like. He ʻike kēlā e pono ai ʻolua ʻelua, a he lokomaikaʻi ʻoe i ka hōʻike ʻana iā ia.
Ke ʻole ka pane i ka mea āu i makemake ai
I kekahi manawa nīnau ʻoe, a ʻaʻole lākou e makemake i kāu makemake. ʻEha ia. Hiki ke ʻeha loa. Akā e ʻike i ka mea āu i loaʻa ai. ʻAʻole ʻoe e ninini hou nei i nā pule i kahi nīnau i pane mālie ʻia mai kinohi.
Ke ʻōlelo nei ka American Psychological Association ʻaʻole ʻo nā hoa pili e mau ka poʻe ʻaʻole e kuʻikahi ʻole. ʻO lākou ka poʻe e mālama i nā manawa paʻakikī me ka uē ʻole, me ka hoʻohaʻahaʻa ʻole i kekahi i kekahi, a i ʻole me ka pani ʻole i ke kūkākūkā a hele aku. He hōʻike koho liʻiliʻi ka DTR no kēlā mea ponoʻī. ʻO ke ʻano e mālama ai kekahi iā ʻoe ke noi ʻoe i ka maopopo, inā lākou e hālāwai me kou ʻoiaʻiʻo me ko lākou ponoʻī a i ʻole e anu a paheʻe, haʻi ʻo ia iā ʻoe i ka nui no ke ʻano o ka noho ʻana. He makana kahi ʻaʻole lokomaikaʻi a maopopo. ʻOi aku ka maikaʻi o kahi mahana "ʻoiaʻiʻo, ʻo wau pū." He pane nō hoʻi kahi pane ʻole nebulā, inā paha ʻo ia ka mea e ʻeha ai.
ʻO ka mea e hoʻi mai, ua hana ʻoe i ka mea koa. Ua ʻōlelo ʻoe i ka mea ʻoiaʻiʻo a noi i kāu mea e pono ai. He ʻiʻo kēlā, a ulu ka ikaika i kēlā me kēia manawa āu e hoʻohana ai.
Inā ʻoi aku ka weli ma mua o ka manawa
No kekahi poʻe, ʻoi aku ka leo o ka makaʻu a puni kēia kūkākūkā ma mua o ka mea e koi ʻia e ke kūlana. He pīhoihoi e ʻūmiʻi i ka noʻonoʻo o ka ʻike ʻia, he maopopo e haʻalele ʻia ʻoe no ka makemake i kekahi mea, he ʻano o ka noho hāmau i loko o ka pilina ma hope o ka pilina a hiki i ka huhū e kamaʻilio no ʻoe. Inā maa kēlā iā ʻoe, ʻaʻole paha e pili nui ka pilikia i kēia kanaka, akā ʻoi aku i kahi moʻolelo kahiko āu e lawe nei i ke aloha.
He mea maikaʻi kēlā e lawe i kahi kahuna lapaʻau. ʻAʻole no ka mea ua hewa kekahi mea iā ʻoe, akā no ka mea hiki ke hana ʻia kēia mau ʻano, a ʻaʻole pono ʻoe e wehe iā lākou wale. Inā ua laha ka hopohopo ma waho o ka launa i kou hiamoe, kou pōloli, a i ʻole kou ʻike no ka maikaʻi i kēlā me kēia lā, he pono kēlā i kahi kamaʻilio me kahi kauka a i ʻole kahi kahuna aʻo kekahi. He olakino ka makemake i ka maopopo mai kekahi kanaka. ʻO ke aʻo ʻana e hāʻawi iā ʻoe iho i kekahi o ia mea, ʻaʻole nānā i kā lākou pane, ʻo ia paha ka māhele e hoʻololi i nā mea a pau.
He kuleana kou e makemake i kāu mea e makemake ai. ʻO ka ʻōlelo ʻana i ka leo nui ke ʻano e loaʻa ai iā ʻoe nā kānaka e makemake like ana.
Nā kumu
- American Psychological Association, Happy couples: How to keep your relationship healthy
- The Gottman Institute, Effective Communication in a Relationship: 5 Ways to Communicate Better
- Neural Plasticity (PubMed Central), From Uncertainty to Anxiety: How Uncertainty Fuels Anxiety in a Process Mediated by Intolerance of Uncertainty