Nā kāhea pili: nā manawa liʻiliʻi e mālama paʻa ai i kahi pilina

Nānā kāu hoa mai kā lākou kelepona a ʻōlelo, "Hē. Ke wāwahi nei lākou i ka hale ʻaina kahiko ma ke alanui ʻElima." Aia ʻoe ma waena o kahi leka uila. Hiki iā ʻoe ke nunulu me ka nānā ʻole i luna. Hiki iā ʻoe ke ʻōlelo "he mea minamina, e holo kāua e nānā ma mua o kona nalo." A i ʻole hiki iā ʻoe ke kani a ʻōlelo e hoʻāʻo ana ʻoe e kālele.

ʻEkolu koho liʻiliʻi. ʻAʻole ʻike ʻia kekahi o lākou me he mea nui lā. ʻO ia maoli ka manaʻo. Hiki mai nā manawa e like me kēia he kanaono manawa o ka lā, a ʻo ke ʻano o kāu pane, ma luna o nā mahina a me nā makahiki, e hoʻoholo mālie ana i ka pili o ʻolua.

Hāʻawi nā mea noiʻi ʻo John lāua ʻo Julie Gottman i kahi inoa no kēia manawa liʻiliʻi. Kapa lākou iā ia he kāhea pili (ma ka ʻōlelo Pelekane, *bid for connection*). He neʻe liʻiliʻi loa kekahi e hana ai i kekahi kanaka e kiʻi i kou nānā, kou aloha, a i ʻole kahi ʻuʻina o ka ʻʻike ʻana. "E nānā i kēia ʻīlio." "Ua hiamoe maikaʻi anei ʻoe?" He lima e kau ana ma kou poʻohiwi i ko lākou hele ʻana. ʻAʻole hōʻike kekahi o ia iā ia iho he mea koʻikoʻi. ʻO ia ke kumu e maʻalahi ai ke hala.

He aha maoli he kāhea pili

Noʻonoʻo ka hapa nui o kākou i ka pili me he kamaʻilio hohonu lā, ka lā nui, ka manawa e ʻōlelo maoli ai kekahi i ka mea paʻakikī ma ka leo nui. Koʻikoʻi lākou. Akā he kakaʻikahi lākou. ʻO ka pili e mālama maoli ai i kahi pilina, hana ʻia ia mai nā mea liʻiliʻi loa aʻe, hana hou ʻia mau.

Kapa ka poʻe Gottman, nāna i aʻo i nā kāne wahine no nā makahiki he nui ma kahi keʻena ma Seattle i kapa inoa ʻia ʻo ka Love Lab, i ke kāhea pili he "ʻapana kumu o ke kamaʻilio naʻau." Ma kekahi wā nānā ma kahi ʻaina ahiahi, ua hana nā kāne wahine i maikaʻi ana ma kahi o hoʻokahi haneli kāhea i loko o ʻumi minuke. Ke kiʻi nei lākou i kekahi i kekahi ʻaneʻane me ka hoʻomaha ʻole.

Hiki i ke kāhea pili ke lilo i nīnau, i ʻōlelo, i roko, i nānā, i manaʻo i pau ʻole i hoʻolei ʻia i ka lewa. He maopopo kekahi ("hiki anei iā kāua ke kamaʻilio?"). ʻAʻole maopopo ka hapa nui. He hemahema, he hōʻʻalo, a he manawa ʻʻino kekahi nui o nā kāhea. Hiki i kekahi mehameha ke ʻimi i kahi hakakā liʻiliʻi ma kahi o ka ʻōlelo "ke haʻo nei au iā ʻoe." Ma lalo o kekahi nui kupanaha o ka pilikia he kāhea pili i pae ʻole.

I, mai, kūʻē

Ke pae kahi kāhea pili, hana ʻoe i hoʻokahi o nā mea ʻekolu. Kapa pū ka poʻe Gottman i kēia.

Hiki iā ʻoe ke huli i ka iā ia. Pane ʻoe. "Auē, e nānā i kēlā." ʻAʻole pono ʻoe e hoʻokuʻu i nā mea a pau a loaʻa ka pane kūpono. He kuʻinī o ke poʻo, he nīnau hou, he wikiwiki "e haʻi hou mai" e helu nā mea a pau. Ke ʻōlelo nei ʻoe: ua lohe au iā ʻoe, eia au.

Hiki iā ʻoe ke huli mai iā ia. ʻAʻole no ka ʻʻino, ʻaneʻane mau. Paʻahana ʻoe, kāpae ʻia, ma kāu kelepona, hohonu i kou poʻo iho. ʻAʻole ʻoe e ʻike, a i ʻole ʻike ʻoe a ʻae iā ia e hala. Mahū wale ke kāhea pili. ʻAneʻane ʻole hana ka mea nāna i hana iā ia i kekahi haunaele no ia. ʻIke wale lākou, iki, me he mea lā ua kiʻi lākou i waho a hālāwai me ka ea.

A i ʻole hiki iā ʻoe ke huli kūʻē iā ia. ʻO kēia ka mea ʻoi. "ʻAʻole anei ʻoe e ʻike e hana ana au?" "No ke aha ʻoe e haʻi mai nei iaʻu i kēia?" He pane me kahi lihi, a ʻeha aku ia ma mua o ka hāmau no ka mea lawe ia i ka hōʻole.

Eia ka ʻike e kūpono ke hoʻokūpono iā kākou a pau. Ke hahai ka poʻe Gottman i nā kāne wahine male hou ma luna o ʻeono makahiki, ʻo ka poʻe i noho pū, ua huli i nā kāhea pili o kekahi i kekahi ma kahi o 86 pakeneka o ka manawa. ʻO ka poʻe i hemo, ua hiki iā lākou ke hana iā ia 33 pakeneka wale nō o ka manawa. ʻO ka ʻokoʻa ma waena o kahi male i mau a me kahi i hāʻule, ʻaʻole ʻo ka nui o nā hakakā. ʻO ka pinepine o ka pane ʻana o kēlā me kēia i ke kāhea liʻiliʻi o kekahi, i nā manawa maʻamau.

Ka helu lohi ona

Hoʻohana ka poʻe Gottman i kahi hoʻohālike maʻalahi no ka mea e hana nei ma lalo: he panakō naʻau. I kēlā me kēia manawa āu e huli i ai i kahi kāhea pili, hana ʻoe i kahi waiho liʻiliʻi. Huli mai, a noho mālie ka panakō. Huli kūʻē, a hana ʻoe i kahi kiʻi kālā.

ʻAʻole hoʻololi nui kekahi waiho hoʻokahi. ʻO ia ka mea e maʻalahi ke kuhi hewa. ʻAʻole ʻoe e hoʻoponopono i kahi pilina paʻakikī me hoʻokahi neʻe nui, a ʻaʻole ʻoe e wāwahi i kahi ikaika ma ka ʻoki ʻana i kahi awakea ʻino. ʻO ka huina holoʻokoʻa ka mea koʻikoʻi, i kūkulu ʻia ma luna o nā tausani kuʻai liʻiliʻi. Hiki i kahi kāne wahine me kahi panakō piha ke hoʻomanawanui i kahi wā ʻino, no ka mea aia kahi waiho hohonu o ka aloha e huki ai. ʻIke kahi kāne wahine e holo ana ma ka mea ʻole i kēlā me kēia hōʻino, no ka mea ʻaʻohe mea i koe i ka waiho.

ʻO ka nūhou maikaʻi mālie ma kēia ka haʻahaʻa o ke kūlana. ʻAʻole ʻoe e koi ʻia e lilo i mea kamaʻilio maikaʻi aʻe ma kekahi ʻano koa. Ke koi ʻia ʻoe e nānā i luna. E pane i ka mea liʻiliʻi. Hana hou ʻia. ʻO ka memo ponoʻī o ka poʻe Gottman no ia, ʻaneʻane manakā: "nā mea liʻiliʻi, pinepine."

Pehea e hopu ai i nā kāhea pili āu i hala mua ai

Inā kuhi ʻoe ua huli mai ʻoe me ka manaʻo ʻole, eia kekahi mau mea e kūpono ke hoʻāʻo. E koho i hoʻokahi. Mai hoʻāʻo e hoʻololi i nā mea a pau i ka manawa hoʻokahi.

1. E manaʻo aia kahi kāhea pili e hūnā ana ma laila. Ke ʻōlelo kāu kanaka i kekahi mea liʻiliʻi a kūpapa, e mālama iā ia me he kono lā ma kahi o kahi hōʻike kūlana. ʻAneʻane ʻole ʻo "ke wāwahi nei lākou i ka hale ʻaina" he pili i ka hale ʻaina. He lima hāmama ia. E ʻapo iā ia.
2. E hoʻohaʻahaʻa i ke kūlana o kāu pane iho. ʻAʻole ʻaiʻē ʻoe i kahi kamaʻilio piha i kēlā me kēia manawa. He pane piha kahi "ʻo ʻiaʻiʻo?" maoli, he nānā maka, he nīnau hahai. Helu nā huli liʻiliʻi i ka like me nā mea nui.
3. E noʻonoʻo i kāu kelepona. ʻO nā pale kahi e make mālie ai ka hapa nui o nā kāhea pili hou. ʻAʻole pono ʻoe e pāpā i nā mea hana. E aʻo wale e ʻike i ka huki o kahi kāhea pili me ka ikaika lawa e nānā i luna mai hoʻokahi.
4. E mālama i nā komo a me nā puka. Kau ka poʻe Gottman i ke kaumaha maoli ma luna o nā ʻano pō hana liʻiliʻi a puni ke haʻalele a hui hou, ke aloha, ke aloha ma ka hopena o ka lā. He pūliki a honi ʻeono kekona, he "pehea ʻo ia?" maoli ma ka puka, he mau waiho liʻiliʻi a hilinaʻi kēia. E kūkulu i hoʻokahi a e ʻae iā ia e lilo i automatic.
5. E hoʻoponopono ke huli kūʻē ʻoe. E ʻoki paha ʻoe i kekahi manawa. Hana nā mea a pau. ʻO ka mea e kōkua ai ka hoʻi ʻana: "E kala mai, ua ʻoki au iā ʻoe ma mua, e hoʻāʻo wale ana ʻoe e kamaʻilio iaʻu." Hoʻololi kahi hoʻoponopono i kahi kiʻi kālā i kahi waiho hou, a aʻo ia iā ʻolua he kāhea i hala ʻaʻole ia ka hopena o kekahi mea.

ʻAʻole kēia no nā hoa aloha wale nō, ʻo ʻiaʻiʻo. Kiʻi nā keiki i ka pili mau, a pēlā nō nā hoaaloha, nā mākua, a me ka poʻe āu e hana pū ai. ʻO ka neʻe liʻiliʻi like, ka nānā i luna a pane, kūkulu ia i ka pili kokoke ma nā wahi a pau kahi e kiʻi ai ka poʻe i kekahi i kekahi.

I ka wā he hohonu aku ka nalo

I kekahi manawa ʻaʻole ʻo nā kāhea pili i hala ka pilikia. I kekahi manawa ua hoʻōki hoʻokahi a ʻelua kānaka i ke kāhea, no ka mea ua hoʻōki ke kiʻi ʻana i waho i ka ʻike palekana a kūpono. ʻO kēlā hakahaka mālie a noho, kahi i palahalaha ai ʻolua a hoʻōki i ka hoʻāʻo, he paʻakikī aku ke hoʻoponopono mai loko, a kūpono ke mālama koʻikoʻi ma kahi o ke kakali iā ia.

Inā ua kahe ka mahana ma waena o ʻolua, inā ua awaawa nā kamaʻilio i ka hoʻowahāwahā a i ʻole ka pā hāmau, a i ʻole inā hiki ʻole iā ʻolua ke ʻimi i ko ʻolua ala hou i kekahi i kekahi me ka nui o nā mea liʻiliʻi āu e hoʻāʻo ai, hiki i kahi kākāʻōlelo kāne wahine maikaʻi ke kōkua. ʻAʻole he hōʻike ke kiʻi ʻana i kēlā ʻano kākoʻo ua hāʻule ka pilina. He kāhea pili maoli ia ma kona iho. A inā komo kekahi pilina o kou ola i ka makaʻu, ka mana, a i ʻole ka hōʻeha, ʻaʻole kēlā he pilikia pili e pani me nā neʻe liʻiliʻi, he pilikia palekana ia, a kūpono ʻoe i ke kōkua i kūkulu ʻia no ia.

ʻO ka hapa nui o nā pilina, akā, ʻaʻole haki. Ua pōloli iki wale nō i ka nānā. ʻOi aku ka kokoke o ka hoʻoponopono ma mua o kona ʻike. ʻO ka mea liʻiliʻi aʻe a kāu kanaka e ʻōlelo ai, a inā nānā ʻoe i luna.

Nā kumu

• The Gottman Institute, Want to Improve Your Relationship? Start Paying More Attention to Bids
• The Gottman Institute, Small Actions Make Big Impacts
• The Gottman Institute, The Six Second Kiss
• Greater Good Magazine (UC Berkeley), Four Ways to Refresh Your Relationship