Ke kau ʻana i nā palena me kou mau mākua i kou wā makua

He kanakolukūmāhā kou makahiki, a i ʻole he kanahākūmākahi, a i ʻole he iwakāluakūmāono, a ʻālohilohi kāu kelepona me ka inoa o kou makuahine, a hāʻule iho kou ʻōpū i ka hāʻule liʻiliʻi like āna i hāʻule ai i kou wā ʻumikūmālima. A i ʻole hana kou makua kāne i kekahi ʻōlelo no kāu hana, kou kaumaha, kou hoa pili, ke ʻano āu e hānai ai i kāu mau keiki ponoʻī, a ʻike ʻoe iā ʻoe e emi ana i kekahi mana o ʻoe āu i manaʻo ai ua haʻalele mua. Neʻe ka pilina i mua i nā makahiki. ʻAʻole loa ia i neʻe i mua i ke ʻano.

ʻO kēlā hakahaka kā kākou e kamaʻilio nei. Ma kahi ma ke ala, ua lilo ʻoe i makua piha, me kou home a me kāu mau koho a me kou hola moe ponoʻī, a ke holo nei ka poʻe nāna ʻoe i hānai ma ka ʻōnaehana hana kahiko, ka mea i loaʻa iā lākou ka leo. ʻO ke kau ʻana i kekahi palena ke ala āu e hoʻohou ai iā ia. ʻAʻole no ka hoʻopaʻi iā lākou. No ka hoʻolilo ʻana i ka pilina i mea e hiki ai ke ola, a i ka maikaʻi paha.

E maopopo kākou i ka mea maoli he palena, no ka mea hoʻohana ʻia ka huaʻōlelo a hiki i ka manaʻo ʻole. ʻAʻole ʻo ka palena he koi e hoʻololi kou mau mākua. ʻAʻole hiki iā ʻoe ke hoʻōki iā lākou i ka hāʻawi ʻana i nā manaʻo a i ʻole ka hoʻohōka. He hoʻoholo ka palena no ka mea a *ʻoe* e hana ai. Kau ka Cleveland Clinic iā ia me ka maʻemaʻe: ʻaʻole hoʻāʻo nā palena olakino e hoʻomalu i ke kanaka ʻē, hōʻike lākou i kou mau pono ponoʻī ʻoiai e mālama mau ana i ko lākou. ʻO ka laina āu e kaha ai a puni kou ʻano hana ponoʻī. "Inā e huli ke kamaʻilio i kekahi ʻōlelo hōʻino i kuʻu male, e hoʻololi au i ke kumuhana a hoʻopau i ke kelepona." Nāu kēlā e mālama, me ka pono ʻole o ka ʻae.

Ke kumu e paʻakikī loa ai kēia ma mua o nā palena ʻē

Hiki paha iā ʻoe ke haʻi i kekahi hoa hana ʻaʻole ʻoe e lawe i nā kelepona ma hope o ka ʻeono me ka nele ʻole o ka hiamoe. Hiki i ka ʻōlelo like i kou makua kāne ke ʻano me he kumakaia lā. Aia kekahi kumu no ia, ʻaʻole ia he nāwaliwali.

ʻO kēia nā pilina kahiko loa āu. No kou wā kamaliʻi holoʻokoʻa, ʻaʻole he koho ka mālama ʻana i ka hauʻoli o kou mau mākua, ʻo ia ke ala e noho palekana a aloha ai kekahi kanaka liʻiliʻi. Hohonu kēlā uwea, a ʻaʻole ia e pio no ka mea wale nō ua kau inoa ʻoe i kekahi palapala hoʻolimalima. No laila ke ʻōlelo hope ʻoe "e ʻoluʻolu mai hōʻea me ka ʻōlelo aʻo ʻole," heluhelu kekahi ʻāpana ʻelemakule o kou lolo iā ia he pōʻino, ʻoiai e ʻike ana kou manaʻo makua he kūpono. ʻO ka hewahewa e hoʻokahe mai ʻaʻole ia he hōʻike ke hana hewa nei ʻoe. He hōʻailona kahiko e kani ana i loko o kekahi lumi ʻaʻole loa i ka ahi.

Kapa ka Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance i nā mea ʻelua e hoʻōki ai i ka nui o ka poʻe i ke kau ʻana i nā palena: ka hewahewa, a me ka makaʻu o kekahi pane ʻino. He mea kūpono e noho me kēlā no kekahi kekona. ʻO ka naʻau e haʻi ana iā ʻoe e hoʻi hope ʻo ia ka naʻau maʻamau loa maʻaneʻi. ʻAneʻane ʻike nā mea a pau i kaha mua i kēia laina iā ia. ʻAʻole ia he hōʻailona e hoʻōki.

E ʻimi i kahi e hele maoli ai ka laina

Ma mua o kou noi ʻana i kekahi mea, pono ʻoe e ʻike i kāu mea e pono ai, a ʻaneʻane ʻaʻole ka nui o kākou e hoʻolohi lawa e ʻimi. ʻIke wale mākou i ke kūʻē e kūkulu ana a ʻaʻole rastrea iā ia i kona kumu.

No laila e hoʻomaka ma laila. E ʻike i nā minuke kikoʻī e waiho iā ʻoe me ka paʻa, liʻiliʻi, a i ʻole ka huhū ma hope o kou hoʻopau i ke kelepona. Ola ka palena i kēlā mau minuke. Kau ka Cleveland Clinic i ka mea holoʻokoʻa he hoʻomaka me ka ʻike ponoʻī, no ka mea, e like me kā lākou ʻōlelo, pono ʻoe e ʻike i kāu mea e pono ai e noi ai. He mau wahi maʻamau e hāʻule ai ka laina:

• Manawa. ʻO ka pinepine o kā ʻolua kamaʻilio, inā ʻoe e pane i ke kani mua, inā na lākou nā lā nui ma ka maʻamau.
• ʻIke. ʻO kāu mea e kaʻana ai no kou olakino, kāu kālā, kāu pilina, kāu hānai. Ua ʻae ʻia ʻoe e mālama i nā mea iā ʻoe iho. ʻAʻole he wahaheʻe ka pilikino.
• Aʻo. Inā loaʻa i nā manaʻo i noi ʻole ʻia no kou ola kekahi noho ma ka pākaukau.
• Kahi kino. Ke kipa me ka kelepona ʻole. Ke komo i kou lumi moe. Ke hoʻonohonoho hou i kāu lumi kuke "e kōkua."
• Ke ʻano e ʻōlelo ʻia ai ʻoe. Ka ʻuā, ka mālie hoʻopaʻi, nā ʻōlelo e ʻoki.

ʻAʻole pono ʻoe e hoʻoponopono i nā mea a pau. E koho i ka mea e uku nui loa ana i kou maluhia a e hoʻomaka ma laila.

Pehea e ʻōlelo ai i hāʻule

Lanakila ka maopopo a aloha i ka akamai i kēlā me kēia manawa. ʻAʻole ʻaiʻē iā ʻoe i kekahi haʻi ʻōlelo, kekahi palapala kānāwai, a i ʻole kekahi papa inoa o kēlā me kēia hewa kahiko. E ʻōlelo i ka pono, e kapa i kāu mea e hana ai, a e hoʻōki i ke kamaʻilio.

ʻO ka mea hana hilinaʻi loa ʻo ka ʻōlelo "au," a hana ia no ka mea wehewehe ia i kou ʻike ma kahi o ke kau ʻana i kou makua i ka noho hoʻokolokolo. Manaʻo ka DBSA i kekahi pahu maʻalahi āu e hiki ke hoʻopiha: *Manaʻo au i ___ ke ___ no ka mea ___. ʻO kaʻu mea e pono ai ʻo ___.* I ʻōlelo ʻia me ka leo nui, ʻo ia paha: "Manaʻo au i ka hopohopo ke kipa ʻoe me ka kāhea ʻole, no ka mea hopu ia iaʻu me ka mākaukau ʻole. ʻO kaʻu mea e noi ai ʻo ke kau mua kāua i kekahi manawa." E hoʻohālike i kēlā me ka "komo mau ʻoe me ka mahalo ʻole iaʻu," he ʻoiaʻiʻo i ka naʻau akā hōʻoiaʻiʻo i kekahi hakakā. He puka ka mua. He pā ka lua.

He mau mea e kōkua i ka ʻōlelo e paʻa:

1. E ʻōlelo iā ia me ka mālie, a mai wehewehe nui. ʻO ka nui o kou hoʻopololei, ʻoi aku ke kani me he noi ʻana i ka ʻae, a ʻoi aku ka nui e hoʻopaʻapaʻa ai. ʻO ka "ʻaʻole kēlā e hana iaʻu" he ʻōlelo piha.
2. E lele i ka huakaʻi mihi. ʻO ka "ke mihi nui nei au, manaʻo au i ka ʻino, manaʻolana au ʻaʻole ʻoe e huhū" e haʻi i kou makua ua hāmama ka palena no ka kūkākūkā. Hiki iā ʻoe ke mahana me ka mihi ʻole.
3. E hoʻopili i ka palena me ke aloha ke hiki. "Makemake au e kamaʻilio mau i kēlā me kēia pule. ʻAʻole wale hiki iaʻu ke hana i nā kelepona o kēlā me kēia lā i kēia manawa." ʻAʻole ʻoe e pani i ka pilina. Ke hoʻoliʻiliʻi nei ʻoe iā ia.
4. E koho i kekahi manawa mālie, ʻaʻole i waena o kekahi pahū. ʻAʻole pinepine ola nā palena i kau ʻia i waena o ka hakakā a i ke kakahiaka.

Inā ʻano hiki ʻole nā kamaʻilio nui, e hoʻomaka liʻiliʻi. ʻO ke aʻo a ka DBSA ʻo ka hoʻomaka me kekahi palena haʻahaʻa a hana i luna mai laila. ʻO ka hōʻole ʻana i hoʻokahi kono ʻaina ahiahi he hoʻomaʻamaʻa maikaʻi no nā kamaʻilio paʻakikī ma hope.

E manaʻolana i ke kūʻē, a e hoʻolālā nona

Eia ka ʻāpana e aʻo ʻole ʻia ai ka poʻe. ʻOi aku ka *ʻino* o ka palena ma mua o ka maikaʻi ʻana. Ke hoʻololi ʻoe i kekahi ʻano kahiko loa, hoʻāʻo pinepine ka mea ʻē inā ʻoiaʻiʻo ʻoe. Kipa lākou me ka kāhea ʻole. Hana lākou i ka ʻōlelo hewahewa. Kāhea lākou i kou kaikaina e hōʻike ua hoʻololi ʻoe.

He maʻamau kēia hoʻāʻo, ʻaʻole ia he hōʻailona ua hana hewa ʻoe. ʻO ka ʻōnaehana kahiko e hoʻāʻo ana e hoʻomaka hou iā ia. ʻO ka mea e hoʻoholo ai inā e paʻa ka palena ʻo kāu mea e hana ai i kēlā manawa, ʻaʻole kāu mea i ʻōlelo ai i ka manawa mua. ʻO ke kūlike ka pāʻani holoʻokoʻa. Inā ʻōlelo ʻoe e hoʻopau i nā kelepona e huli i ka hōʻino, a laila i ke kolu o ka manawa e hana ai, pono ʻoe e hoʻopau maoli, me ka mālie, i ke kelepona. Kau ka Cleveland Clinic iā ia ma ke ʻano he hahai: he hoʻomanaʻo mālie mua, a laila he ʻōlelo paʻa aʻe ke pono, kekahi mea maʻalahi e like me "ua kaʻana mua au i koʻu kūlana, a ʻaʻole i hoʻololi."

Maanei e koʻikoʻi ai ka laina ma waena o ka palena a me ka ʻōlelo paʻa. Hoʻāʻo ka ʻōlelo paʻa e hoʻomalu iā lākou: "inā ʻoe e hōʻino hou i kaʻu kāne, ʻaʻole loa ʻoe e ʻike i kāu mau moʻopuna." Hoʻomalu ka palena i kāu neʻe aʻe ponoʻī wale nō: "inā e huli ke kamaʻilio i kuʻu male, e hele au, a hiki iā kāua ke hoʻāʻo hou i kekahi lā." He hoʻoweliweli kekahi. ʻO kekahi ʻo ʻoe wale nō, e mālama mālie ana iā ʻoe iho. Hiki iā ʻoe ke mālama i kekahi palena me ka hoʻokiʻekiʻe ʻole o kou leo, a me ka hoʻolilo ʻole iā ia i hōʻailona inā he mau mākua maikaʻi lākou.

E nānā i nā puka ʻaoʻao pū. ʻO ka makua hiki ʻole ke hoʻopuka iā ʻoe mai kekahi palena, hele ʻē ʻo ia a puni iā ia i kekahi manawa. Hoʻokele lākou i ka ʻōhumu ma o kou kaikaina, a i ʻole kou hoa pili, a i ʻole hāpai lākou iā ia i mua o nā ʻohana ma kekahi ʻaina ahiahi kahi e ʻike ai lākou ʻaʻole ʻoe e hana i kekahi hana keaka. ʻO ke kūʻē like kēlā me kekahi ʻaʻahu ʻokoʻa. Hiki iā ʻoe ke pane iā ia ma ke ala mālie like: "hauʻoli au e kamaʻilio i kēia me ʻoe pololei, akā ʻaʻole au e hana iā ia ma o Kala." ʻAʻole pono ʻoe e pale i ka palena i mua o kekahi anaina holoʻokoʻa. ʻAʻole loa ia i waiho no kekahi koho ʻohana.

Ma hope o kou mālama ʻana i ka laina, hele mai ka hewahewa iā ʻoe

He hana hoʻokahi ke kau ʻana i ka palena. He hana ʻē ʻo ke ola ʻana i nā hola ma hope, a ʻaneʻane ʻaʻohe mea e aʻo iā ʻoe no kēlā ʻāpana ʻelua. E hoʻopau ʻoe i ke kelepona me ka hana ʻana i ka mea pololei āu i manaʻo ai e hana, a manaʻo i ka ʻino. Hoʻomaka ka pāʻani hou. *Ua ʻoʻolea loa anei au? Kani lākou i ʻeha. Malia paha ʻaʻole ia he mea nui.* ʻO kēia ka manawa e make malū ai ka nui o nā palena, ʻaʻole i ke kamaʻilio, akā i ka leka mihi āu e hoʻouna ai i hoʻokahi hola ma hope e hoʻōki i ka naʻau ʻino.

Mai hoʻouna iā ia. He maoli ka ʻāpuʻupuʻu, akā he manawa pōkole ia, a he hōʻailona he hou ka palena, ʻaʻole he hōʻailona he hewa. ʻO ka manaʻo holoʻokoʻa a ka DBSA ʻo ka hewahewa a me ka makaʻu o kekahi pane ʻino ke kumukūʻai maʻamau o ke komo, a he kūpono ke hoʻomanawanui i ka ʻāpuʻupuʻu no ka mea pale ka palena i kou mahalo ponoʻī ma kēlā ʻaoʻao. E hāʻawi i ka naʻau i kekahi manawa ma mua o kou hoʻoholo i kona manaʻo. He mau mea e kōkua i kēlā mau hola: e haʻi i hoʻokahi kanaka hilinaʻi i kāu mea i hana ai i ʻole e kani mehameha i kou poʻo, e kākau i ke kumu maoli āu i kau ai i ka palena i ʻole hiki i ka hewahewa ke kākau hou i ka moʻolelo, a e hoʻomanaʻo iā ʻoe iho ʻaʻole like ka makua hoʻohōka me ʻoe i hana ʻino. Ua ʻae ʻia nā makua e hoʻohōka kekahi i kekahi. Hiki ke ola i nā ʻaoʻao ʻelua.

E ʻike pū i ka mea e hana ai ke ʻaʻole ʻoe e hoʻi hope. Pinepine maʻalahi aʻe ka pilina, ʻaʻole anu aʻe. Loaʻa i ke kūʻē i hoʻokahe mua i kēlā me kēia kipa kahi e hele ai i kēia manawa, no laila hiki iā ʻoe ke leʻaleʻa maoli i nā ʻāpana maikaʻi. ʻO ia ka uku mālie a ka poʻe e manaʻolana ʻole ai.

ʻAʻole ʻoe e hoʻopau ana i ka pilina, ke hana hou nei ʻoe iā ia

He mea kūpono e ʻōlelo me ka maopopo, no ka mea ʻo ka makaʻu ma lalo o kēia a pau he like pinepine: e uku ka kaha ʻana i kekahi laina iā ʻoe i kou mau mākua. ʻO ka hapanui o ka manawa hana ia i ka mea ʻokoʻa. ʻAʻole ʻo ka palena he pā ma waena o ʻolua. ʻO ka mea ia e hiki ai iā ʻoe ke noho pili me ka hele mālie ʻole i ka makaʻu i kekahi i kekahi.

ʻO kāu mea e hana maoli ai ʻo ka hoʻokūkākūkā hou i nā ʻōlelo o kekahi ʻaelike kahiko. Ua loaʻa i ka mana kamaliʻi iā lākou ka mana a ʻo ʻoe e ʻae. ʻOi aku ka kokoke o ka mana makua i ʻelua kānaka makua e mālama ana kekahi i kekahi a koho i ke ʻano e hoʻolilo ai i ko lākou manawa. Wehewehe ka poʻe lapaʻau e hana ana ma ka ʻaoʻao o nā mākua i ka neʻe olakino ma ke ala like, ka mālama ʻana i kekahi keiki makua ʻaneʻane ʻaʻole me he mea hilinaʻi a ʻoi aku me he hoa kūlike maʻa, a hōʻike lākou e hele ana ka mahalo no ke kūʻokoʻa i nā ʻaoʻao ʻelua. Hiki iā ʻoe ke mālama i kēlā kūlana no kou mau mākua ponoʻī. ʻO ka pahuhopu ʻo kekahi pilina kahi e hiki ai i ʻolua ʻelua ke lilo i kānaka piha, ʻaʻole kekahi kahi e emi mau ai kekahi e mālama i ka maluhia.

E hāʻawi iā ia i ka manawa pū. ʻAʻole ʻoe e hoʻomaʻamaʻa hou i kekahi neʻe kanahā makahiki i hoʻokahi kelepona, a ʻaʻole pono ʻoe. I kēlā me kēia manawa e mālama ai ʻoe i kekahi laina liʻiliʻi a ʻaʻole hāʻule ka lani, aʻo ʻolua ʻelua i kekahi mea. Aʻo lākou he maoli ke ʻano hou. Aʻo ʻoe hiki iā ʻoe ke aloha iā lākou a mālama mau iā ʻoe iho. ʻO kēlā aʻo ʻelua ka mea e hoʻololi i nā mea a pau.

Ka wā ʻoi aku ka paʻakikī o ka pilina

Manaʻo nā mea a pau ma luna i kekahi pilina aloha maoli i paʻa i kekahi ʻano kahiko. ʻOi aku ka kaumaha o kekahi mau kūlana, a kūpono lākou i kekahi pane ʻokoʻa.

Inā he hana ʻino kekahi makua, inā e waiho mau ana ke kamaʻilio iā ʻoe me ka makaʻu a i ʻole i ka pōʻino, inā ʻaʻole loa e mālama ʻia kekahi palena āu e kau ai, a laila ʻo ka mamao hou aku paha ke koho olakino, ʻaʻole ke koho hoʻowehiwehi. Hiki i ia ke koho i ke kamaʻilio haʻahaʻa, i palena pono a ma kāu mau ʻōlelo, a i kekahi mau hihia ʻo ke kamaʻilio ʻole loa. Wehewehe ka Cleveland Clinic i ka hele ʻana i ke kamaʻilio ʻole ma ke ʻano he koho hope loa, a hōʻike ʻana e hana maoli ia ke mahalo ka mea ʻē i kou mau makemake. ʻOiaʻiʻo pū lākou hiki i ka hoʻi hope ke lawe mai i kekahi kaumaha maoli, ʻoiai ʻo ke koho pono, he ʻano kanikau no ka pilina āu i makemake ai e loaʻa. ʻAʻole ʻo ka manaʻo ʻana i kēlā nalo e hōʻike ua koho hewa ʻoe.

ʻAʻole pono ʻoe e hana i kekahi kāhea nui loa kēia iā ʻoe iho, a ʻaʻole pono ʻoe. Hiki i kekahi kahuna lapaʻau ke kōkua iā ʻoe e hoʻokaʻawale i kāu mea e pono maoli ai, e mālama i ka laina ke hoʻāʻo ka hewahewa e hoʻopuka iā ʻoe mai ia, a e haʻi i ka ʻokoʻa ma waena o kekahi pilina paʻakikī a me kekahi pōʻino. Inā ke hana nei ka hana o kekahi makua iā ʻoe i ka manaʻolana ʻole a i ʻole ka palekana ʻole, ʻaʻole ia he pilikia e hoʻomanawanui ʻole iā ʻoe iho. ʻO ka ʻimi ʻana i ke kōkua ma laila kekahi o nā mea makua loa āu e hiki ke hana.

ʻAʻole loa ʻo ka pahuhopu i kēia a pau ʻo ka lanakila, a i ʻole ka hana ʻana i kou mau mākua i kānaka ʻokoʻa. ʻO ia ka hiki ke kū i ka lumi like me ka poʻe nāna ʻoe i hānai a mālama mau i ke ʻano like me ʻoe. He kūpono kēlā i nā kamaʻilio ʻāpuʻupuʻu. Nalo ka hewahewa. ʻO ka mana o ʻoe hiki ke aloha iā lākou me ka nalo ʻole, mau pinepine ia.

Nā kumu

• Cleveland Clinic, How To Set Boundaries in Healthy Ways
• Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance, 8 Tips on Setting Boundaries for Your Mental Health
• Cleveland Clinic, Going No-Contact With a Parent or Family Member: What You Need To Know
• Psych Central, How To Set Boundaries With Your Adult Children