Nā ʻōlelo aʻo wikiwiki
- E kūʻai i kahi minute ma mua o kou pane ʻana.
- E hoʻomaʻamaʻa i kahi ʻaʻole liʻiliʻi ma kahi mea maʻalahi.
- E mālama i kou ʻaʻole pōkole a mehana.
He manawa liʻiliʻi i kamaʻāina i ka poʻe hoʻoluʻolu i kānaka. Ke noi mai kekahi i kekahi mea. Maopopo iā ʻoe ke piʻi aʻe nei ka ʻōlelo ʻaʻole ma loko o kou umauma, akāka a paʻa. A laila lohe ʻoe iā ʻoe iho e ʻōlelo ana ʻae, me ka leo ʻoluʻolu māmā, me he mea lā he mea ʻole.
Ma hope mai, e hoʻomanaʻo hou ana ʻoe. Noʻonoʻo ʻoe no ke aha ʻaʻole ʻoe i hiki ke ʻōlelo ʻoiaʻiʻo wale nō. Hoʻohiki ʻoe iā ʻoe iho he ʻokoʻa ka manawa aʻe. A laila hiki mai ka manawa aʻe, a pakele hou aku ka ʻae ma mua o kou hopu ʻana.
Inā kamaʻāina kēlā, aia ʻoe i loko o kahi lumi piha loa. ʻAʻole he hemahema ʻano a he nele paha i ka makemake ka hoʻoluʻolu i kānaka. He hana maʻa iā ʻoe, pinepine mai mua loa o kou loaʻa ʻana o kahi leo ma luna o ia mea. A e like me ka hapa nui o nā mea i mākau ai ʻoe ma lalo o ke kaomi ʻana, hiki ke ulu ʻē aku mai ia ke ʻike ʻoe i kāna mea e hana maoli nei nou.
He aha maoli ka hoʻoluʻolu i kānaka
Manaʻo ka hapa nui o kākou he kanaka lokomaikaʻi loa wale nō ka mea hoʻoluʻolu i kānaka. Manawaleʻa, ʻae i nā mea, ʻoluʻolu ke noho pū. ʻO ia ka ʻili waho. Ma lalo, ʻo ka makaʻu pinepine ka mīkini, ʻaʻole ke aloha — ʻo ka hopohopo mālie inā e hoʻonāukiuki ʻoe i kekahi, e ukali mai ana kekahi mea ʻino. Ka huki ʻana i ke aloha. Ka huhū. Ka mamao. Ka ʻike ʻia he kanaka paʻakikī, a ʻimi noʻono no iā ʻoe iho, a he nui loa paha.
He ʻano kaʻawale ko ke aloha maoli. Hāʻawi ʻoe no kou makemake, a ua hiki nō iā ʻoe ke ʻōlelo ʻaʻole me ka palaha ʻole o kou manaʻo palekana holoʻokoʻa. ʻAʻole kaʻawale ka hoʻoluʻolu i kānaka. He koi paha. ʻOlelo ʻoe ʻae no ka mea, he weliweli ke ʻano o kahi koho ʻē aʻe, ʻoiai ʻaʻohe mea weliweli e hana ʻia ana ma ke ʻano maoli.
Ke kaha nei ka Cleveland Clinic i kahi laina kūpono ma ʻaneʻi. He maikaʻi a he kanaka maoli ka noʻonoʻo ʻana i kekahi. Hele ka hoʻoluʻolu i kānaka i ka pilikia ke mōhai mau loa ʻoe i kou pono ponoʻī a hoʻomaka kou olakino e māʻule, ke manaʻo ʻoe ua hoʻohana ʻino ʻia ʻoe, ua paʻakikī kou naʻau, a paʻahana loa paha ʻoe i ka mālama ʻana i nā manaʻo o nā kānaka ʻē aʻe a ua nalowale kou ʻike i kou manaʻo ponoʻī.
No hea mai ka hana maʻa
ʻAʻohe kanaka i hoʻoholo e lilo i mea hoʻoluʻolu i kānaka. Hoʻololi ʻoe a komo i loko, pinepine i ke kamaliʻi, ma kahi i ʻano akamai ai ka mālama ʻana i ka maluhia.
Malia paha ua hoʻomalu ke ʻano o kekahi makua i ka hale holoʻokoʻa, a ua aʻo ʻoe e heluhelu i ka makani me ka wikiwiki a hoʻoponopono ma mua o ka pae ʻana o ka ʻino. Malia paha ua ʻike ʻia ke aloha i ka manawa wale nō i maikaʻi ai ʻoe, kōkua, mālie, ʻoluʻolu. Malia paha ʻo ʻoe ka mea paʻa i loko o kahi ʻohana piha kāna mau lima ma kahi ʻē, a ʻo ka pilikia ʻole ke ala i loaʻa ai iā ʻoe kou wahi. Kuhikuhi nā kauka i nā wā kamaliʻi i hoʻoulu ʻia e ka hakakā, ka mālama ʻole, a i ke kau ʻana i kekahi pākela paha he māla maʻamau no kēia hana.
Aia kekahi ʻano kūikawā o kēia e pono ai ke kapa ʻia. Wehewehe ka poʻe loea ʻepekema noʻonoʻo i ʻehā pane kumu i ka pōʻino: ka hakakā, ka holo, ka maloʻo, a me ka hā, ka hoʻomalimali. Kuhi nui ʻia ka mea hoʻōla ʻano ʻo Pete Walker no ka hoʻolaha ʻana i kēia huaʻōlelo. ʻO ka hoʻomalimali ka pane hoʻoluʻolu-a-ʻae. Ke ʻole ka palekana o ke kū iho nou iho a ʻaʻole hiki ke holo, ua ola ʻoe ma o ka lilo ʻana i ka mea a ka mea ʻē i makemake ai iā ʻoe. Ua lilo ʻoe i mea ʻoluʻolu, kōkua, ʻae. Ua hana ʻoe iā ʻoe iho i mea ʻoluʻolu e noho pū ai i mea e hala ai ka pōʻino.
He hoʻololi naʻauao kēlā, ʻaʻole he hemahema. ʻO ke keiki nāna e aʻo e hoʻomaha i kahi pākela ʻano hoʻololi wikiwiki, ke hana nei ʻo ia i kekahi mea mākau maoli. ʻO ka hihia, ʻaʻole loaʻa i ka ʻōnaehana aʻalolo ka leka ke pau ka pōʻino. No laila ke pana mau nei ka maʻa hoʻokahi i mālama iā ʻoe i ka makahiki ʻewalu i ka makahiki kanakolukūmāwalu, i loko o kahi hālāwai, ma kahi kelepona, ke noi mai kekahi hoaaloha i kahi pono ʻaʻole ʻoe i loaʻa ka wahi nona.
Pehea e ʻike ai ke hoʻokele nei ia i kou ola
He ʻāpana o ke ʻano kanaka maikaʻi ka ʻae liʻiliʻi i kekahi. Eia nā hōʻailona ua hina ia i kekahi mea e uku nei iā ʻoe:
- Aneane paʻakikī kino ke ʻōlelo ʻaʻole, ʻoiai no nā mea liʻiliʻi he pono kou e hōʻole ai.
- ʻAe ʻoe i nā hoʻolālā, nā lokomaikaʻi, a me ka hana keu, a laila paʻakikī mālie kou naʻau i ka poʻe nona ʻoe i ʻōlelo ai ʻae.
- Kau kou ʻano ma luna o ka ʻike inā ʻoluʻolu ka poʻe a puni ʻoe iā ʻoe.
- Kala nui ʻoe, me nā mea ʻaʻole nāu e mihi ai.
- Pinepine ʻaʻole maopopo maoli iā ʻoe kāu mea e makemake ai, no ka mea ua kau loa kou manaʻo i ka mea a nā kānaka ʻē a pau e makemake ai.
- ʻO ka hakakā, ʻoiai ke kūʻēʻē mālie, hoʻouna ia i kahi haʻalulu o ka makaʻu ma loko ou.
ʻAʻole kēia mau mea i haki ʻoe. ʻO ʻoe kahi kanaka i hoʻonohonoho ʻia kona ʻōnaehana pīhoihoi i ka ʻoluʻolu o kānaka ʻē. Hiki ke hoʻonohonoho hou ʻia kēlā.
Ka ʻōlelo ʻaʻole me ka puhi ʻole i nā mea a pau
ʻO ka lono maikaʻi, ʻo ke ala e puka ai ʻo ia nō ka mākau hoʻokahi, e hoʻomaʻamaʻa ʻia ma ke kuʻina kūʻē. Ua aʻo ʻoe iā ʻoe iho e haʻalele i kou ʻaʻole ponoʻī. Hiki iā ʻoe ke aʻo iā ʻoe iho e mālama iā ia, mālie, ma nā ʻāpana liʻiliʻi a hiki ke ola.
E hoʻomaka liʻiliʻi me ka manaʻo. ʻAʻole pono ʻoe e hoʻomaka me ka pilina paʻakikī loa o kou ola. He ʻoluʻolu a kūpono pono ke kiʻi a ka Cleveland Clinic no kēia: ua like ia me ke komo mālie ʻana i loko o kahi loko anu ma mua o ka lele i ka wahi hohonu. E hoʻomaʻamaʻa i ka hōʻole ʻana i kahi hoʻāʻo manuahi, kahi pā lua, kahi kono ʻaʻole ʻoe e makemake ai. E hāʻawi i kou ʻōnaehana aʻalolo e hōʻiliʻili i ka hōʻike ʻaʻole e pau ka honua i kahi ʻaʻole liʻiliʻi.
E kūʻai i kahi minute nou. ʻO ka poʻe hoʻoluʻolu i kānaka, pane wikiwiki lākou, no ka mea, ikaika loa ka ʻano ʻoluʻolu ʻole o ke noi a ʻo ka ʻae ke ala wikiwiki loa e hoʻopau ai. No laila e hoʻolohi i ka uaki. “E nānā wau a hoʻihoʻi mai iā ʻoe” he ʻōlelo piha a mahalo ʻia. Wāwahi ia i ka maʻa a hāʻawi i kahi manawa no ka pane maoli e puka ai.
E mālama i kou ʻaʻole akāka a pōkole. ʻAʻole ʻoe e ʻaiʻē i kahi paukū hōʻoiaʻiʻo. Kau ka NHS, ma kāna alakaʻi no ka mahalo iā ia iho, i kekahi manaʻo e pono ai ke paʻa: pinepine ka poʻe me ka mahalo haʻahaʻa iā lākou iho i ka manaʻo he pono lākou e ʻōlelo ʻae ʻoiai ʻaʻole lākou e makemake ai, akā ʻo ka ʻōlelo ʻaʻole, i ka hapa nui o ka manawa, ʻaʻole ia e hōʻino maoli i nā pilina. He maikaʻi maoli ke ʻano o kahi “ʻAʻole hiki iaʻu ke lawe i kēlā i kēia manawa” ʻoluʻolu a maʻalahi ma mua o kahi pūʻewa o nā kala. Kono ka wehewehe nui ʻana i kahi kūʻai. Pani lokomaikaʻi ka ʻaʻole maʻemaʻe i ka puka.
E hoʻohana i nā ʻōlelo “wau” maʻalahi. “ʻAʻole hiki iaʻu ma ka Pōʻaono.” “Pono wau e haʻalele ma ke ono.” “ʻAʻole kūpono kēlā iaʻu.” Ke haʻi nei ʻoe i kou kūlana ponoʻī, ʻaʻole e kau ana i kekahi i ka hoʻokolokolo. Hōʻike ka Mayo Clinic i ke kūpaʻa ma kēia ʻano, ʻo ia ka hōʻike pololei a hōʻoiaʻiʻo iā ʻoe iho me ka mahalo ʻana i kekahi kanaka. ʻAʻole like ke kūpaʻa me ka huhū. He ʻoiaʻiʻo wale nō ia, i ʻōlelo ʻia me ka leo.
E kakali i ka hewahewa, mai hoʻolohe iā ia. E ʻino ana nā ʻaʻole hōʻoiaʻiʻo mua. ʻAʻole he hōʻailona kēlā manaʻo ʻino ua hana hewa ʻoe. ʻO ka pīhoihoi kahiko ia e kani ana no ka mea ua wāwahi ʻoe i kahi lula kahiko. ʻO ka hewahewa, ma ʻaneʻi, ʻo ke kumukūʻai wale nō ia o ka hoʻololi ʻana. E ʻae iā ia e noho. E ʻōlelo i kou ʻaʻole. Emi koke aʻe ka manaʻo ma mua o kou manaʻo, a i kēlā me kēia manawa e ola ai ʻoe iā ia, ʻoi aku ka maʻalahi o ka mua aʻe.
E nānā i ka mea e ʻūʻū ana. I kou hoʻomaka ʻana e kau i nā palena, e nānā i ke ʻano o ka pane ʻana o kānaka. E hoʻololi ka hapa nui me ka pilikia ʻole. ʻO kekahi, ka poʻe i ʻoluʻolu i ka loaʻa ʻole o kou mau kihi, e kūʻē mai paha lākou. He ʻike kēlā pane, ʻaʻole he hōʻoiaʻiʻo ua hana ʻino ʻoe. ʻO kahi palena e hoʻonāukiuki wale ana i ka poʻe i pōmaikaʻi mai kou loaʻa ʻole iā ia, he palena ia e pono ai ke mālama.
He aha maoli kāu e loaʻa hou ai
He kōkua ke hoʻomanaʻo i ka mea ma kēlā ʻaoʻao o kēia, no ka mea, hiki ke like ka hana, i ka mua, me ka lilo ʻana i hoaaloha ʻino aʻe.
He kūʻē. ʻO ka paʻakikī o ka naʻau ka mea e palaho mālie ai nā pilina, a ʻo ia ka mea i hua ʻia e nā makahiki o nā ʻaʻole ʻōlelo ʻole ʻia. Ke hiki iā ʻoe ke ʻōlelo ʻaʻole me ka ʻoiaʻiʻo, loaʻa he ʻano i kou ʻae. Loaʻa i kānaka ʻo ʻoe maoli, ʻaʻole he hana akahele o ʻoe. Hoʻopau ʻoe i ka mālama ʻana i kahi puke helu mālie o nā mea a pau āu i hāʻawi ai a ʻaʻole i mahalo ʻia. A hoʻi mai ka ikehu āu i hoʻolilo ai i ka nānā ʻana i ke ʻano o kānaka ʻē a pau iā ʻoe, e hoʻolilo ai i nā mea a me nā kānaka āu i koho maoli ai.
Aia he ʻoe ʻoi aku ka paʻa ma lalo o ka maʻa. ʻO ke kūpaʻa, i hoʻomaʻamaʻa ʻia, e kūkulu pinepine i ka mahalo iā ʻoe iho ma mua o ka huki iā ia, a ukali mai ka mahalo o kānaka ʻē. Lilo ʻoe i mea hilinaʻi ʻia kāna ʻōlelo, no ka mea, he maoli kou ʻae a he maoli kou ʻaʻole, a hiki i kānaka ke ʻike i ka ʻokoʻa.
I ka manawa e ʻimi ai i ke kōkua hou aʻe
He maʻa wale nō kekahi hoʻoluʻolu i kānaka hiki iā ʻoe ke kālai mālie ma kou ʻano iho. Hohonu aʻe kekahi, ʻoi loa ke ulu mai ia i ka pōʻino maoli, ka mālama ʻole, a i kahi pilina ʻaʻole maoli i palekana ai ka loaʻa ʻana o nā pono.
Inā e hoʻopiha ka ho'āʻo ʻana e kau i nā palena liʻiliʻi iā ʻoe me ka makaʻu, inā ua wili pū ka maʻa me nā hoʻomanaʻo ʻeha, a inā e hoʻopau mau ʻoe i loko o nā pilina kahi e hāʻawi ai ʻoe i nā mea a pau a nalowale ʻoe iā ʻoe iho, e pono ke lawe i kēlā i kahi mea hoʻōla naʻau. ʻAʻole kēia he hōʻailona ua hāʻule ʻoe ma ke kōkua iā ʻoe iho. Hiki i kahi kauka maikaʻi, ʻoi loa kekahi i hoʻomaopopo i ka pōʻino, ke kōkua iā ʻoe e ʻimi i kahi i hoʻomaka ai ka maʻa a e kūkulu i nā pane hou ma kahi pae a kou ʻōnaehana aʻalolo e hiki ai ke mālama. ʻO ka kau ʻana i kēlā ʻano kōkua, he hana ia e kau ai i kou mau pono ponoʻī ma ka papa inoa, ka mua paha i loko o ka manawa lōʻihi.
Ua aʻo ʻoe e ʻōlelo ʻae ke manaʻo ʻoe ʻaʻole no ka mea, i kekahi manawa, ua mālama ia iā ʻoe. Ua ʻae ʻia ʻoe e aʻo i kahi mea hou i kēia manawa. ʻAʻole kou mau pono ka pilikia. Ua kakali wale nō lākou i ka manawa lōʻihi iā ʻoe e helu ai iā lākou.
Nā kumu
- Cleveland Clinic, Signs You're a People-Pleaser — and How To Stop
- Mayo Clinic, Being assertive: Reduce stress, communicate better
- NHS, Raising low self-esteem
- Psychology Today, What Is the Fawning Trauma Response?